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Gregg, Eugene & Tex's Favorite Jokes
| Favorite Stories | Favorite Jokes | Fascinating Facts | Inspirational Stories | Truth Or Trick Trivia |
| CHILDREN'S SERMON | CHRISTIAN ONE-LINERS | CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS | COMMENTS MADE IN 1955 | COMPUTER HELPDESK REPORTS | CORNY JOKES | DID-YOU-KNOW... | FATHER OF MANY | FIRST TIME USHERS | FUNERALS | GETTING OLDER | GOD'S "SWEET 16" | GREAT BUMPERSTICKERS | GRANDMA'S AGE | GRANDMOTHER'S VISIT | LIFE AFTER DEATH | PROOF THAT GOD CAN USE ANYBODY | A COLLECTION OF WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS | THE PERFECT MARRIAGE | GRANDPARENTS & GRANDKIDS | MY "REMEBERER" IS BROKE | NEW GAMES NOW THAT WE ARE GETTING OLDER | PALM SUNDAY | PRAYERS | PRICELESS QUOTES | SARCASTIC ONE-LINERS | SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT | SOME CORNY JOKES | SOME QUESTIONS TO PONDER | SUPPORT A FAMILY | THE TRUTHS OF LIFE | THE WATER PISTOL | THINGS KIDS SAY | TWENTY WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY | TWO ROBBINS IN A TREE | WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? | WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE? | WHY IS IT THAT... | WORDS OF WISDOM |
REALLY CORNY JOKES (REALLY)! - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritestories.htm#CORNY-JOKES
The 6th grade teacher said, "Johnny, can you make a sentence with the words 'income tax'"?
Johnny said, "Sure! There once was a dog named Tax. He was outside and it started raining.
So, I opened the door and income Tax!"
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Two vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline.
They got on board carrying 3 dead raccoons each.
The flight attendant said, “I’m sorry, but there’s a limit of two carrions per passenger.”
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Why did the owl make everyone laugh?
Cause he was a "hoot"!
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Sergeant (to new recruit): "What were you before you joined the army?"
New Recruit: "Much happier, Sergeant."
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What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
A politician!
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A ship's captain sees through the pitch-black night a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m in a lighthouse Sir. I will let you make the call!”
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Two guys were riding in a car and saw a sign that said "Louisville, KY 100 miles ahead".
They began to argue about how to say the name of the city.
One said it was "Louie-ville" and the other said it was "Louis-ville."
They went on arguing until they came to a fast-food restaurant.
The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Please tell me where we are really slowly."
The waitress says slowly, "Bur - ger - King."
CHRISTIAN "ONE-LINERS" - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritestories.htm#CHRISTIAN-ONELINERS
"Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case".
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny: they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
CHURCH BULLETING BLOOPERS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#CHURCH-BULLETING-BLOOPERS
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Because of the this week's game, the church's evening massage will be one hour earlier this week.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Please notice: From now on, the ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Rev. J.F. Stubbs spoke in his absence.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "When bad things happen to God's people".
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Offertory Hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
On the church bulletin regarding the pastor's recovery from the flu: GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Harwell is so much better.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you! Let the church help.
While the Pastor is on vacation, massages can be given to his secretary.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "Only The Lord Knows Why".
The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Visitors, please feel free to stay after service and say hell to the pastor.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara Smith remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Joe's sermons.
During the absence of our Priest, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Msgr. J.F. Stone supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Parish is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Deacon unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All".
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why”.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God is good! Dr. Hargreaves is better.
The 2007 Spring Parish Council Retreat will definitely be hell May 10 and 11.
Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
The service will close with, "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The agenda was adopted, the minutes were approved and the Financial Secretary gave a grief report.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. There is also special prayer available for those who are seriously sick by request.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
ANNOUNCEMENT: We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
The Moms Who Care group has been rescheduled for next week so there will be no Moms Who Care this week
Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones”.
Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week.
The Honeymooners Class are now having Bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
“I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.”
On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call”.
A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle... "Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in a parish bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Joe's sermons.
During the absence of our Priest, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Msgr. J.F. Stone supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Parish is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Deacon unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Ushers will eat latecomers immediately before the Communion is served
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All".
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why”.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".
The 2007 Spring Parish Council Retreat will definitely be hell May 10 and 11.
Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
The service will close with, "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin..
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
THINGS KIDS SAY - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#THINGS-KIDS-SAY
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
COMMENTS MADE IN 1955 - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#COMMENTS-MADE-IN-1955
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'd***' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "h***" or "d***" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going away for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
MY REMEMBER IS BROKE - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#MY-REMEMBER-IS-BROKE
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know
because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO
SARCASTIC ONE-LINERS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#SARCASTIC-ONE-LINERS
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
Yes, my major WAS in psychology. Now, do you want fries with that or not?
PRICELESS QUOTES FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#PRICELESS-QUOTES-FROM-FAMOUS-PEOPLE
This question was asked of a Miss USA contestant: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack***, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas" - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Football star Jason Kidd upon announcing that he was joining the Dallas Mavericks
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
If I entered into an agreement with that man, I would be sticking my head in a moose. Samuel Goldwyn
Part of America's greatness is discrimination. Yes sir. Inequality breeds freedom and gives a man opportunity. Lester Maddox - ex-governor of GA
I think wer'e on the road to coming up with the answer that I don't think any of us feel we have the answers to. Mayor Kim Anderson, Naples, FL
They gave me a standing observation. - Florida State Coach Bill Peterson
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extrememely pleased, to announce the appointment David Steele to the post. - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools Barrington, RI
If you give a person a fish, they'll eat for a day. But if you show a person how to fish, they'll be a fish for a lifetime. Dan Quayle
SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT . . . - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#SOME-THINGS-TO-THINK-ABOUT
1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt, a flat tire or an empty tank.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to take your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
4. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just try missing a couple of car payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you also have their shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will sit in the boat, drink beer all day and tell exaggerated fish stories about the "big ones" that got away.
9. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
11. Always tell the truth!. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember who you told what. If you lie, you have to remember these things: 1. WHO you told it to. 2. WHAT was it you told them; and 3. What "version" of the story it was you told them. So, always just tell the truth!
12. Some days you're the bug and other days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. However, neither one of them works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. God gave us one mouth and two ears. That should tell us something.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never miss a good chance to keep your mouth closed.
21. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night unless you need to get up very early the next morning..
YOU KNOW IT'S 2005 WHEN . . . - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#YOU-KNOW-IT-IS-2005-WHEN
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FROM 2004 - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#2004-NEWSPAPER-HEADLINES
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[Naaw, you think so?!]
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
[Again, naaw, you think so?!]
Expert Says Something Went Wrong
In Jet Crash,
[Boy, the people who write these things are sooo smart!]
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
[Isn't
that's taking things a bit far?]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[Wow! Talk about dedication to your job!]
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
[Those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hopes for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[Those Brits may be on to something old chap!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study Of Obesity Looks
For Larger Test Group
[What's the matter? Weren't they large enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas
In Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating pork & beans just before the
launch!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Hmmm! Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed
The Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut
In Half
[Oh no! It's the Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, those guys are really tall! I wonder if they have thought of
forming a basketball team?]
And, finally, the 2004 headline Of The Year ...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead
[Nuff said!]
NEW GAMES NOW THAT WE ARE GETTING OLDER - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#NEW-GAMES-FOR-GETTING-OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Kick the bucket
3. Musical recliners.
4. Hide and go seek a placed to pee.
5. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
7. Simon says something incoherent!
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. When a woman goes without wearing a bra it pulls all the wrinkles out of
her face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you can stay
home and take a nap.
3. Getting a little "action" means you don't need your fiber
drink today.
4. Getting "lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to have to go to the
bathroom.
6. A Friend Is Like A Good Brassiere. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
7. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
8. When I was young we used to go "skinny dip! ping," now I just "chunky dunk."
9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
10. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called
LABOR.
12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
WORDS OF WISDOM - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#WORDS-OF-WISDOM
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon , and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
FATHER OF MANY - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#FATHER-OF-MANY
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
TWENTY WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#TWENTY-WAYS
1. Right before you leave the office today, page yourself over the intercom but don't disguise your voice.
2. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
3. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars and go "zzzzzzzzzzz".
4. Every time someone asks you to do something at work, ask them, "Do you want fries with that?"
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and put a big sign on it saying "IN".
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Unmentionables."
7. Finish all your sentences with this phrase, "which is in accordance with the Prophecy."
8. whenwritingasentenancedontuseanyspacesorpunctuation
9. As often as possible, skip down the sidewalk or the hallways at your office or school.
10. Ask people how old they are then laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. The next time you order food at a drive-through window, tell them "This order is To Go".
12. Sing along with the people on the stage at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and right in the middle whisper to the person on either side of you, "Have you noticed that NONE of these poems rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're planning to be sick.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Stone Cold Icecubetray."
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream loudly, "I Won!, I Won! Oohmygosh! I WON!"
18. When leaving the city zoo, start running towards the parking lot and yell at the people just arriving, "Run For Your Lives! The Animals Are Loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".
And The Final Way to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity. . . . (drum roll please!) . . . .
20. The next time you are on a crowded elevator, take this list out of your pocket and start reading it out loud!
SOME CORNY JOKES - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#SOME-CORNY-JOKES
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "No," "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were not much to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this line of bull before.
12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
13. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are just too high."
14. I went to a seafood place last night and hurt myself. I pulled a mussel.
WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE? - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#WHAT-KIND-OF-FRIENDS-DO-YOU-HAVE
Some of my friends are:
As smart as fish bait.
As sharp as a bowling ball.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few cokes short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
One taco short of a combo meal.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Their lights are on
but nobody home.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
Oops! They forgot to pay their brain bill.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Their antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
They are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
They are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Their elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
So dumb that they tried to commit suicide by jumping off the curb.
They fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
They should have a warning on their forehead that says: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#NO-HYPOTHETICAL-QUESTIONS
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
The speed of time is one-second-per-second.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I had amnesia once -- or was it twice? I forget.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now, what should I feed it?
Somebody told me I was gullible ... and, you know what? I believed them!
Is it true that protons have mass? Hey, I didn't even know they were Catholic!
A beggar asked me for 50¢ for a sandwich. I said, "Well, before I buy it from you, first let me SEE that sandwich."
If you teach your children to be polite and courteous in the home, when they grow up, they won't be so quick to edge their car onto a freeway ramp ahead of the others.
If swimming is so good for your figure, why do whales still have so much blubber?
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
If you're cross-eyed AND have dyslexia, does one cancel the other one out?
How can there be self-help "groups"? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
The cost of living hasn't affected the popularity of actually LIVING.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? (Get it, a cemetary "PLOT"!)
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A flashlight is a device for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure.
What's another word for thesaurus?
WHY IS IT THAT . . . - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#WHY-IS-IT-THAT
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can read one in prison?
Why is it that I have to swear on the Bible in court but the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in the lobby?
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we mess up our life, we could simply go up to the "EDIT" menu and choose "UNDO"?
My favorite bumper sticker says: "If you can read this, thank a teacher and since it's in English, thank a SOLDIER!!"
Recently, I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "I give . . . Implants?"
Never argue with an idiot because somebody watching may not be able to tell the difference.
When I was young, I used to go "skinny dipping". Now, I just do the "chunky dunky".
Wouldn't you know it... braincells come and brain cells go but FATCELLS live forever!
DID YOU KNOW . . . - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#GREAT-BUMPERSTICKERS
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All things being equal, LARGER people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday (although it may seem like
more!).
Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
When I found the answers to life's questions, I forgot the questions.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If you think this is as bad as it can get, don't count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's
more-or-less a do-it-yourself thing.
SOME GREAT BUMPERSTICKERS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#GREAT-BUMPERSTICKERS
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Make something idiot proof and a smarter idiot will prove you wrong.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks the slowest!
Always remember you're unique and special and one-of-a-kind (just like everyone
else).
A flashlight is something they made to hold dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
My computer screen says "Error: no keyboard attached. Press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work pays off in the future but laziness pays off now .
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Want to double your harddrive space? Just delete the Windows folder!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
If ignorance is bliss, some people are orgasmic!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad hard drive sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, afterall, nobody gets out alive!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The human gene pool could use a little more chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false and unfounded, including this one!
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my harddrive?
Multitasking: Screwing up several things up on your computer at the
same time.
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
Famous last words: Hey guys! Watch this!
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
SOME QUESTIONS TO PONDER - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#SOME-QUESTIONS-TO-PONDER
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Heck Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? We don't mind when
people Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A
Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack!
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A
Housetrailer!
SOME MORE QUESTIONS TO PONDER - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
Is it possible to have a civil war?
(Is there is war that was "civil"?)
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is the alphabet in that particular order? Is it because they got
it from the song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do people ask where the self-help section is at bookstores?
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Are all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets, going as ghosts, really going as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still
advertising for business?
Is Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking? Or do they?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Isn't it just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
If "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language, then is "I Do" the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If the parsley farmer goes into debt, do you garnish his wages?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you still touch it to be sure?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it called a "tourist season" if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"?
A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??
A fly without wings... Would it be called "a walk"?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
All the world's a stage. Where does the audience sit?
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Any of you seen a modem carrier around here?
"Honey, what does it mean when the computer says: "Are you
sure you want to format this drive?"
"Honey, why doesn't my magnet pick up your floppy disk?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted?
Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
Do we know that life has a cause?
Do wizards use spell checkers?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Does Donald Duck eat turkey for Thanksgiving?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone knows the speed of light. But does anyone know the speed of dark?
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a risk?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
How can someone "draw a blank"? Is that possible?
How can there be self-help "groups"? Doesn't that defeat the
purpose?
How come they call them buildings if they've already been built?
How do I set my laser printer to stun?
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a plastic surgery
catalog.
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If the richest man in the world has "everything", what does
that leave for the rest of us?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If hardware overheats, does it turn into software?
If PC's can have "bugs", can APPLES have "worms"?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others have to drown too?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If bears did not exist, what kind of "hugs" would we give
each other?
If computer are supposed to be so "User-Friendly", why do
they still come with 100 page manuals?
If you melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
I saw a sign on a billboard that said, "Don't know how to read?
Then write to this address for free help."
Is it okay to yell "movie!" in a crowded firehouse?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "the
practice of medicine"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, you moron?
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" ; The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" ; The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" ; The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What is the output of a vacuum pump?
What on earth is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?
What's better... 5.25" floppy or 3.5" hard?
What's so great about humans anyway?
When agnostics die, do they go to the Great Perhaps?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where does the fire go when the fire "goes off"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who is "they" anyway?
Who needs a virus when we've got OS/2?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
Why aren't Conservatives interested in conservation?
Why be normal?
Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the person that snores always fall asleep first?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why is the word "Abbreviation" so long?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only *one* Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why use a big, long word when a diminutive one will do?
Will your answer to this question be in the negative?
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
People are so apathetic. Then again, who cares?
THE TRUTHS OF LIFE - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#THE-TRUTHS-OF-LIFE
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is generally dead.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word alone.
A king's castle is his home.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.
A man's house is his hassle.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Actions speak louder than words.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Affirmative Action is mediocrity's answer to Darwin.
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
After things go from bad to worse the cycle repeats.
All general statements are false.
All men are created unequal.
All Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All that glitters is not gold.
All the money in the world can't buy you a smidgen of ignorance.
All the world's a stage... most of us are just stagehands.
All things being equal, you lose.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anything worth doing, is worth getting someone else to do.
Apes evolved from creationists.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chess players mate better.
Chicken little only has to be right once.
Committees do harm merely by existing.
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
Corrugated iron is really groovy.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Curiosity killed the cat. What the heck they got 9 lives.
Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Desserts spelled backwards becomes stressed.
Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Every man has a price.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens.
Everything changes except change.
Everything in time is birth to some and death to others.
Everything inspires. But one things more than others.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Expensive silk ties attract spaghetti sauce.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Faith will move mountains.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every idiot-proof system, a new improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong.
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Generalizations (as a rule) are bad.
Geochronologists will date any old thing.
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
God spelled backwards becomes Dog.
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
Good fences make good neighbors.
Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Gravity always wins.
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Half a loaf is better than none.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Happiness can't buy money.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work will never break up with you.
Have an affair. It will break up the monogamy.
Having a good time can be deadly.
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!
He who dies with the most of anything, is still dead.
He who hesitates is last.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who laughs last usually gets a shot in the face.
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword.
He who throws mud loses ground.
Heisenberg may have been right.
Heisenberg Might Have Slept Here.
Heisenburg probably rules.
High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.
History does not repeat itself, but it often rhymes.
History doesn't repeat itself. Historians do.
Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
Hungarian food is OK if you like dog tartare.
If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
If it appeals to everyone, evangelists will target it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.
If love is blind, lingerie makes great Braille.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If people ate what they killed, there would be no more wars.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget you book.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
In 20 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap.
In life's rat race, it's not how fast you can run but how good you deal with the cats that matters.
In life's wallet, there's no compartment for change.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
In theory, everything works.
In today's world, anyone who is not confused just isn't thinking straight.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
It is better to copulate than never.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
It's amazing how mature wisdom resembles being too tired.
It's an ill wind that blows no good.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
It's not just reality that matters.
It's not over till it's over.
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
It's okay to laugh in the bedroom, but don't point.
It's only a game until you lose.
It's only a hobby... only a hobby... only a
It's only fun if you can get in trouble.
It's only hopeless if you walk away.
It's the empty can that makes the most noise.
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
It's who we don't say no to that defines who we are.
Its hard to get a "head" in the world...
Just because the past runs you doesn't mean you can run from the future.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
Let he who has no stones cast the first sin.
Life has a lot of undocumented features.
Life is a bowl of spaghetti O's. They're all zeros, you just have to eat them up.
Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
Life is full of little surprises.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is like a package from the Unabomber... you never know what you're gonna get
Life is like being thrown into a bed of roses. You get to smell the roses and feel the thorns.
Life is like... an analogy.
Life is recursive.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.
Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy - not with others, but with yourself.
Life's like raisin bran. Few raisins and lots of bran.
Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Make hay while the sun shines.
Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely.
Mankind is naturally evil, society inhibits it.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many hands make light work.
Moderation is good, but boring.
Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.
Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.
Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery a lot easier to live with.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Money makes the world go around. Love just barely keeps it from blowing up.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will get a dinner date.
Money won't buy happiness, but it's a great down payment.
Most people deserve each other.
Murphy's law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature abhors second order differential equations.
Nice guys don't finish nice.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
No matter where you go; you're there.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for lunch.
Nobody notices when things go right.
Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Nothing ever goes away.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
Nothing is wrong with you that reincarnation can't cure.
Old age and treachery will beat youth and enthusiasm.
Old hippies never die, they just flashback!
Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
One on-topic post a day keeps the moderator at bay
Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.
Open mouth, insert foot, echo internationally.
Opposites attract.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
People who live in glass houses... shouldn't.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Philosophers can be divided into two groups: those who divide philosophers into two groups, and those who don't.
Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Practice makes perfeckt.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
Religions change, but beer and wine remain.
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Romulans are so ruthless because every day is a bad hair day.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell.
So many cheques, so little money.
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Some do, some don't, some will and some won't.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... others just gargle.
Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
Still waters run deep.
Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Taxation *with* representation isn't so hot, either.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
The early cat gets the bird if the early dog hasn't already eaten it.
The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger.
The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.
The fatter you are, the harder it is to see your feet.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
The key to a good deal in life is not making a big deal about anything.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The most expensive component always breaks first.
The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.
The nice thing about having nothing is you don't have to worry about losing it.
The nice thing about kleptomania is that you can take something for it.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The pants were very sad, they were depressed.
The problem with people who worship themselves is when they get together their religions conflict.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
The real world is a special case.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The second most preposterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult is was.
The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.
The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship].
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.
There are 3 kinds of lies: lies, damned lies & statistics
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.
There is always a law against doing anything interesting.
There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
There is no need to lie your way through life, just keep the truth at a safe distance.
There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
Things get worse under pressure.
Things will get worse before they get better.
Thinking about the past is a great excuse to waste the present and forget about the future.
This statement is false.
Those on the cutting edge bleed a lot.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who fail to understand hyperbole may lose their asymptotes.
Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
To be a "proactive" lefty in the new South Africa is to give in to the demands of the other group before they have even made those demands.
To err and to blame someone else is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
To err is human, and stupid.
To err is human, to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is Human, to blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human, to forgive is $5.00
To err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
To err is human, to moo is bovine.
To err is Human, with blondes it's mandatory.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To join boldly infinitives which no man has joined before.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Two heads are better than one.
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions.The other half, just doesn't care.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
War doesn't determine who's right, but who's left.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket.
What will be, will be.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.
When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you pull the pin on Mr Grenade, he is no longer your friend.
When you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.
While some people need friends, most people just need someone they can be better than.
Who dies, wins.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
You can actually get anywhere in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
You can be a king or a street-sweeper, but everybody at the end dances with the Grim Reaper.
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
You can't be late until you show up.
You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true.
You can't tell a book by its cover.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot teach an old dog new tricks.
You don't have to conform to the values of your peers. It gets pretty boring sitting home every night though.
You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
You live and you learn. Or you don't live long.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You're either part of the solution or part of the precipitate.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
You're only young once; you can be immature forever
COMPUTER HELPDESK REPORTS FROM ACTUAL CALLS
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#COMPUTER-HELPDESK
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: It's a beige one...
--------------------------------------------
Customer: I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.
--------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
--------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
--------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
--------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
--------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 steps back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Wait, is that 7 a capital 7 or a little 7?
--------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the internet...
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: It was 5 little stars.
--------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
--------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
SOME OF EUGENE & TEX'S FAVORITE COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
"My Best Friend Ran Off With My Wife And I Sure Do Miss Him!"
"My Wife Just Left Me In My Pickup And So I'm Picking Up And Moving On"
GETTING OLDER - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#GETTING-OLDER
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about getting senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and all the jokes you hear are new ones.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Yep! Hardly worth going back home, huh?"
------------------------------------------
I sure have gotten old. So far, I've had 2 by-pass surgeries; a hip replacement; artificial knees; fought prostate cancer, high blood pressure and diabetes. I'm half blind; can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine; take 40 different medications that make me dizzy; always winded; and subject to frequent blackouts. I have bouts with dementia; poor circulation; can hardly feel my hands or feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 91 or 93; have lost all my teeth, some of my hair; and most of my friends.
But...... Thank the Lord, I still have my Florida driver's license! Let's go to the mall!
------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
------------------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
------------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
------------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
------------------------------------------
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
------------------------------------------
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
------------------------------------------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
------------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
TWO ROBBINS IN A TREE - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#TWO-ROBBINS-IN-A-TREE
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, it thought . . .
(Are you ready??)
(You're really gonna like this one)
(It's a real "groaner")
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS!"
FUNERALS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#FUNERALS
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the women's section in Bloomingdales department store.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
PALM SUNDAY - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#PALM-SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#CHILDRENS-SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#SUPPORT-A-FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
GRANDMA'S AGE - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#GRANDMAS-AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
FIRST TIME USHERS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#FIRST-TIME-USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#PRAYERS
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO..... MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
GRANDMOTHER'S VISIT - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#GRANDMOTHERS-VISIT
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
HE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOL - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#THE-WATER-PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED....."I REMEMBER."
LIFE AFTER DEATH - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#LIFE-AFTER-DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PROOF THAT GOD CAN USE ANYBODY - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#PROOF-THAT-GOD-CAN-USE-ANYBODY
Eve was a real pain in
Adam's side, sold out to a snake and told God, "The Devil made me
do it!"
Adam !"
Noah got drunk.
Abraham was over 90 when Isaac was born.
Isaac was a daydreamer.
Jacob was a compulsive liar.
Leah was not exactly the school's homecoming queen.
Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, accused of rape by a
scorned woman and had a long prison record.
Moses had a stuttering problem.
Gideon was a fraidy cat.
Samson was a womanizer.
Rahab was a prostitute.
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young.
David had an affair and was a murderer.
Elijah was suicidal.
Isaiah preached while naked.
Jonah ran away from God and had quite a "fish story" to tell
afterwards.
Naomi was a widow.
Job went bankrupt, homeless and had a nagging wife.
John the Baptist was the original "Survivor".
Peter denied Jesus three times and cursed about it too!
The disciples fell asleep while they were supposed to be helping Jesus
during one of his most difficult hours.
Martha worried about everything.
The Samaritan woman was divorced five times and was living with a man
but led her whole town to the Messiah.
Zaccheus was a wee little man, yes, a wee little man was he!
Paul was a religious zealot, a murderer and he also did some time in
the "pokey"!
Timothy had an ulcerated stomach.
Lazarus was a dead man who had a rude awakening!
So, no more excuses now! God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
GOD'S "SWEET 16" - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#GODS-SWEET-16
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious
nuts.
2. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
3. "Dear God, I have a problem, and it's ME!"
4. Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
5. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
6. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
7. You do the math . . . count your blessings.
8. Faith is the ability to not panic in a crisis.
9. Try to laugh a little bit every day . . . It's like inner jogging.
10. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
11. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
12. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
13. The most important things in your house are the people.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry. So, don't carry a grudge!
15. If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
16. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knots in our lives.
A COLLECTION OF WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#A-COLLECTION-OF-WORLDS-THINNEST-BOOKS
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
MY FAVORITE FOODS
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson, Scott Peterson & Robert Blake
ALL THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book is:
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
THE PERFECT MARRIAGE - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#THE-PERFECT-MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11 I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
GRANDPARENTS AND GRANDKIDS - http://www.theGETshow.com . info@theGETshow.com
http://www.eugeneandtex.com/favoritejokes.htm#GRANDPARENTS-AND-GRANDKIDS
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he said.
*********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
***********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
***************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
****************************************
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.
***********************************
While eating at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***********************************
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
***********************************
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
***********************************
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . .
***********************************
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . .
***********************************
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . .
***********************************
My friends and I were on a softdrink run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
***********************************
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
***********************************
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? " . . . ."
Redneck Dictionary - How Ta Learn Ta Speak Redneck
AH: The thing you see with, denoting individuality.
Usage: "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
ALL: A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
AST: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal
moonshine stills.
Usage: "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."
ATTAIR: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire.
Usage: "Pass me attair gravy, please"
AWL: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines.
Usage: "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."
BAHS: A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
BARD: Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
BLEEVE: Expression of intent or faith.
Usage: "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."
BOB WAR: A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."
CO-COLA: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world.
Usage: "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."
CYST: To render aid.
Usage: "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."
DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."
DID: Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR: A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
ETLANNA: Atlanta.
EVERWHICHAWAYS: To be scattered in all directions.
Usage: "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.
FAR: A state of combustion that produces heat and light; a conflagration.
Usage: "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
"If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things
gonna catch far."
FARN: Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
FUR: (1) Measure of distance; (2) Because of or to indicate possession.
Usage: (1) "It's a fur piece ta Etlanna."
(2) "Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."
GOOD OLE BOY: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an
amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs,
fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order.
Usage: "Bubba's a good ole boy."
GRIYUTS: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits.
Usage: "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."
GUMMIT: An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!
HALE: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna.
Usage: "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."
HAZE: A contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
HEAVY DEW: A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
HEP: To aid or benefit.
Usage: "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."
HOT: A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
IGNERT: Not smart.
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
JAWJUH: A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
JEW: Did you.
Usage: "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"
JU-HERE: A question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
KUMPNY: Guests.
Usage: "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."
LAW: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, "PO-leece".
Usage: "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."
LIKKER: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that
federal authorities frown upon.
Usage: "Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'
LOT: Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
MASH: To press, as in the case of an elevator button.
Usage: "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"
MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."
MUNTS: A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
NAWTHUN: Anything that is not Southern.
Usage: "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system."
OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."
PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage: "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
PLUM: Completely.
Usage: "Ah'm plum wore out."
RANCH: A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh
bard a few munts ago."
RATS: Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
RETARD: To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RETCH: To grasp for.
Usage: "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."
SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."
SEED: Past tense.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
SHOVELAY: A GM car.
Usage: "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."
SINNER: Exact middle of.
Usage: "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."
SQUARSH: A vegetable; To flatten.
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"
SUGAR: A kiss.
Usage: "Come here and give me some sugar."
TAR: A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup
truck."
TAR ARNS: A tool employed in changing wheels.
Usage: "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."
TARRED: Exhausted; fatigued.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
"Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."
TIRE: A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."
UHMURKIN: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka.
Usage: "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
VIEW: Contraction.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
WAR: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals.
Usage: "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
WARSH: To clean.
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"
WHUP: To beat or to strike.
Usage: "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."
YANKEE SHOT: A Southern child's navel.
Usage: "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."
ZAT: Is that.
Usage: "Zat yo dawg?"
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