In 1953 The US population was less than 150 million... Yet you knew more people then, and knew them better... And that was good.

The average annual salary was under $3,000... Yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life... And that was good

A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... But it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one... And that was good.

Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters... And that was good.

We didn't have air-conditioning... So the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike... And that was good.

Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins... But not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... And that was good.

The only hazardous material you knew about... Was a patch of grassburrs around the light pole at the corner... And that was good.

You loved to climb into a fresh bed... Because sheets were dried on the clothesline... And that was good.

People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives.. So "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... And that was good.

Parents were respected and their rules were law.... Children did not talk back..... and that was good.

TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious color....And that was certainly good.

Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor.. And the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs.. And that was very good.

Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... And chickens behind the garage... And that was definitely good.

And just when you were about to do something really bad.. Chances were you'd run into your Dad's high school coach... Or the nosy old lady from up the street... Or your little sister's piano teacher... Or somebody from Church.... ALL of whom knew your parents' phone number... And YOUR first name... And even THAT was good! ~

l remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

And was it really that long ago?

For all the scientists out there, and for all the students who have a hard time convincing these people regarding the truth of the Bible, here's something that shows God's awesome creation, and that He is still in control. Did you know that the space program is busy proving that what has been called "myth" in the Bible is true? Mr. Harold Hill, President of the Curtis Engine Company in Baltimore, Maryland, and a consultant in the space program, relates the following development.

I think one of the most amazing things that God has done for us today happened recently to our astronauts and space scientists at Green Belt, Maryland.

They were checking out where the positions of the sun, moon, and planets would be 100 years and 1,000 years from now. We have to know this so we won't send up a satellite and have it bump into something later on in its orbits.

We have to lay out the orbits in terms of the life of the satellite and where the planets will be so the whole thing will not bog down.

They ran the computer measurement back and forth over the centuries, and it came to a halt. The computer stopped and put up a red signal, which meant that there was something wrong with either the information fed into it or with the results as compared to the standards.

They called in the service department to check it out, and they said, 'What's wrong?' Well, they found there is a day missing in space in elapsed time.

Finally a Christian man on the team said, 'You know, one time I was in Sunday School, and they talked about the sun standing still.' While they didn't believe him, they didn't have an answer either, so they said, 'Show us, 'He got a Bible and went to the book of Joshua where they found a pretty ridiculous statement for any one with 'common sense.' There they found the Lord saying to Joshua, 'Fear them not, I have delivered them into thy hand; there shall not a man of them stand before Thee.' Joshua was concerned because he was surrounded by the enemy! And if darkness fell, they would overpower them. So Joshua asked the Lord to make the sun stand still! That's right... 'The sun stood still and the moon stayed and lasted not to go down about a whole day!' (Joshua 10:12-13)

The astronauts and scientists said, There is the missing day! They checked the computers going back into the time it was written and found it was close but not close enough. The elapsed time that was missing back in Joshua's day was 23 hours and 20 minutes .. not a whole day.

These little words in the Bible are important, but they were still in trouble because if you cannot account for 40 minutes, you'll still be in trouble 1000 years from now.

Forty minutes had to be found because it can be multiplied many times over in orbits. As the Christian employee thought about it the remembered somewhere in the Bible where it said the sun went BACKWARDS.

The scientists told him he was out of his mind, but they got out the Book and read these words in 2 Kings that told of the following story Hezekiah, on his death bed, was visited by the prophet Isaiah who told him that he was not going to die. Hezekiah asked for a sign as proof. Isaiah said 'Do you want the sun to go ahead 10 degrees?' Hezekiah said, 'It is nothing for the sun to go ahead 10 degrees, but let the shadow return backward 10 degrees.' Isaiah spoke to the Lord, and the Lord brought the shadow ten degrees BACKWARD! Ten degrees is exactly 40 minutes!

Twenty-three hours and 20 minutes in Joshua, plus 40 minutes in Second Kings make the missing day in the universe! Isn't it amazing?

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Liebeck Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $350 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

The Lord came unto Noah in 2006, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard --but no Ark.

"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system! . My nei ghbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the super structure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?".

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence
for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

We spread the rabbit ears as far as they would go,
But sometimes all you got was lots of snow.

Pull a chair up to the TV set and say
"Good Night, David" and "Good Night, Chet"."

It felt so good to know wrong from right,
Life looked so much better in black and white.

In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight,
To when everybody knew wrong from right,
Life was better in black and white!

Sheriff Joe Arpaio was just re-elected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona for the 4th time.

He won the election in 1992. Four years later, in 1996, after his policies had earned him unprecedented praise and an 85% public approval rating, no one even ran against him when he sought a second term as sheriff.

You probably know him as "America's Toughest Sheriff", a name given to him by the media years ago. It's a name he certainly has earned as the head of the nation's fourth largest Sheriff's Office.

Here's probably the reason why:

In his jails, he doesn't allow inmates to smoke since it's bad for their health (after all, we need to make sure that we do not cause harm to the people who make a habit of inflicting harm on others). He does not allow porno magazines either despite threats by the ACLU. He also cut out coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only lets in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the Weather Channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working outside on my chain gangs.

Yes, this is the same Sheriff Joe who also created the famous (or is it infamous?) "tent city jail".

He makes the prisoners wear pink uniforms, eat bologna sandwiches and work outside on chain gangs so they could provide free work on county and city projects. The meals only cost 40 cents a serving and he charges the inmates for them so they will appreciate what it is like to work for a living.

He also started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

When some local news reporters complained about the "inhuman living conditions", Sheriff Joe was not one bit sympathetic.

He told them, "Look, it's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too. They have to wear full battle gear, eat Army rations and are putting their lives on the line so these inmates can live in freedom. However, THEY didn't commit any crimes and these guys DID! "My jails aren't the Ritz/Carlton so if these inmates don't like it, they don't HAVE to come back!"

Way to go Sheriff Joe! We hope you are re-elected many, many more times!

SHERIFF ARPAIO'S BIO

You probably know him as "America's Toughest Sheriff", a name given to him by the media years ago. It's a name he certainly has earned as the head of the nation's fourth largest Sheriff's Office. But even before he became Sheriff in 1993, Joe Arpaio was one tough law man.

After serving in the Army for three years from 1950 to 1953, Arpaio went on to build a federal law enforcement career and a reputation for fighting drug trafficking around the world.

From the United States to Mexico to Turkey to the Middle East to Central and South America, Arpaio was an expert in undercover work establishing a stellar record of infiltrating drug organizations and arresting drug offenders.

His expertise led him to management positions with the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) in the United States and around the world. He concluded his remarkable career as head of the DEA for Arizona.

In 1992, building on his expertise as a former police officer in Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, and as a top federal law enforcement official, Arpaio successfully campaigned to become the Sheriff of Maricopa County.

He won the election in 1992. Four years later, in 1996, after his policies had earned him unprecedented praise and an 85% public approval rating, no one even ran against him when he sought a second term as Sheriff.

After 42 years of law enforcement experience, Arpaio's strength is in his ability to know what the public wants. "As Sheriff, I serve the public. The public is my boss", are statements often made by Sheriff Arpaio.

And in serving the public, Arpaio has done many unique things as Sheriff.

On August 3, 1993, he started the nation's largest Tent City for convicted inmates. Over 2000 convicted men and women serve their sentences in a canvas incarceration compound. It is a remarkable success story and has garnered the attention of government officials and media worldwide.

The same is true for his chain gangs which work six days a week contributing thousands of dollars of free labor to the community. The male chain gang and the world's first ever female chain gang clean streets, paint over graffiti, and bury the indigent in the county cemetery.

Equally impressive are the Sheriff's get tough policies. Arpaio doesn't believe in coddling criminals, frequently saying that jails should not be country clubs. He banned smoking, coffee, pornographic magazines, movies and unrestricted television in all jails. He has the cheapest meals in the country too. The average inmate meal costs under 20 cents.

Arpaio also has launched innovative rehabilitation programs like "Hard Knocks High ", the only accredited high school in an American jail. His ALPHA program teaches inmates to turn away from drugs. It is one of his proudest accomplishments. A high percentage of ALPHA graduates leave his jail clean and sober and rarely, if ever, return to incarceration.

As for his deputies, Arpaio has increased salaries, encouraged education by providing incentive pay, improved equipment and the fleet, and has elevated this office to a full-service, state-of-the-art world renowned law enforcement agency.

Also under Arpaio, the posse has grown to 3200 members, the nation's largest volunteer posse. These men and women, always are a great help to deputies, help in search and rescue and other traditional police work as well as in special operations like round-ups of deadbeat parents, fighting prostitution in the valley's so-called red light district, and patrolling malls and shops during holidays. The posse's contribution is invaluable and essentially free to taxpayers.

Arpaio and his wife, Ava, have been married 47 years. They have two children and three grandchildren who also reside in the Phoenix area.

Arpaio says his plans include several more years as the head of the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office.

Once upon a pew I sat and heard the preacher ask,
"We need someone to teach a class, Now who will take this task?"
Then God sat down beside me there and said, "Son, that's for you."

"But, Lord, to stand before a class is one thing I can't do.
Now Bill would be the man to call, there's nothing he won't do.
I'd rather hear the lesson taught from here upon my pew."

Once upon a pew I sat and heard the preacher ask,
"We need someone to lead the songs, Now who will take this task?"
Then God sat down beside me there and said, "Son, that's for you."

"But Lord, to sing before a crowd Is one thing I can't do.
Now Brother King will do the job, there's nothing he won't do.
I'd rather hear the music played from here upon my pew."

Once upon a pew I sat and heard the preacher ask,
"I need someone to keep the door, Now who will take this task?"
Then God sat down beside me there and said, "Son, that's for you."

"But saying things to strangers, Lord, Is one thing I can't do.
Now Tom can talk to people, Lord, there's nothing he won't do.
I'd rather someone come to me and greet me on the pew."

As years just seemed to pass me by, I heard that voice no more.
Until one night I closed my eyes and woke on heaven's shore.
'Twas four of us together there to face eternity.
God said, "I need just three of you to do a job for me."

"O Lord, I cried, "I'll do the job, there's nothing I won't do."
But Jesus said, "I'm sorry, Friend, In Heaven there's no pew."

FLORIDA
Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Our GREAT Grandkids, and Our GREAT, GREAT Grandkids!

HAWAII
"Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru." (Just Come, Visit and Then Leave Your Money!)

IDAHO
We're More Than JUST Potatoes...
(Well, Okay, Maybe Not, But Our Potatoes Are REALLY Good!)

LOUISIANA
Not Everybody Is A Drunk Cajun Like You See At Mardi Gras!
(That's Just Our Most Popular Tourism Campaign)

MAINE
Yep! We're Really Far Away And It's Really Cold Here, But We Have Great Lobster!

MONTANA
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, and Lots and Lots and Lots Of Buffalo!

NEW YORK
"You Have The Right To Remain Silent. You Have The Right To An Attorney and Anything You Say May Be Held Against You In A Court Of Law."

TENNESSEE
The Volunteer State. If You Don't Volunteer, We Will Volunteer You!

VIRGINIA
Who Says Government Stiffs And Mountain, Slackjaw Yokels Can't Get Along?

WASHINGTON, DC.
Ok, So We're Not Really A State, But At Least We Get More National Coverage Than You Do!

If you are enough to remember the comedy team of Abbott and Costello, you will appreciate this. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" could have easily been about computers and have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO: No, I've already got wallpaper in my office. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: No, you need software for your windows so you can write proposals, track expenses and run your business.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! (SIGH!) OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

COSTELLO: OK, forget that. I've heard I can watch movies on the computer, is that right?

COSTELLO: Yeah, maybe a real one or maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what do I need?

COSTELLO: (SIGH!) Ok, ok! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Yeah, but it already comes bundled with your computer at no extra charge.

ABBOTT: No, Microsoft gives you a license to copy your Money if you don't give it away.

(Costello goes to the computer store, pays for it and takes it home. A few hours later he calls back)

COSTELLO: Yes, this is Lou Costello. I'm finished using my new computer for the day. How do I turn it off?

ABBOTT: Ok, look in the lower left-hand corner and click on the "START" button.......

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, always sleep late.

* Don't always rush into things that look too easy. Remember, it's the second mouse gets the cheese!

* When everything's coming your way, you're going on wrong way on the interstate.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to just one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make only once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

* If you don't go to people's funerals, then they won't come to yours.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

7) Since there is no time like the PRESENT, he thought it was time to PRESENT the PRESENT.

"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

"Welcome to our church. It's been under the same management for over 2000 years."

"Welcome to our church. Soul food served here."

"Welcome to our church. Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What will yours be?"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."

"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."

"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."

"To belittle is to be little."

"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."

"God answers kneemail."

"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."

Mildred, the town gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the community's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new neighbor on her street, of being an alcoholic after she saw his red pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. So she started the gossip going around that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, got wind of what she was saying about him but didn't bother to explain, defend, or deny his actions. However, later that evening, George quietly pulled his bright red pickup truck right in front of Mildred's House . . .

*A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

* After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

* A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

* A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" *

* A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

* After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

* Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.

* The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

* A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled, "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

* Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

* A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, Honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

In 1953 The US population was less than 150 million... Yet you knew more people then, and knew them better...

The average annual salary was under $3,000...Yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life...

A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... But it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one...

Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters...

We didn't have air-conditioning... So the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike...

The only hazardous material you knew about...Was a patch of grassburrs around the light pole at the corner...

You loved to climb into a fresh bed... Because sheets were dried on the clothesline...

People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives... So "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles...

Parents were respected and their rules were law.... Children did not talk back...

Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor... And the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs... And that was very good.

Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... And chickens behind the garage...

And just when you were about to do something really bad... Chances were you'd run into your Dad's high school coach... Or the nosy old lady from up the street... Or your little sister's piano teacher... Or somebody from Church... ALL of whom knew your parents' phone number...And YOUR first name...

And there was Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel &Hardy, Abbott &Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars

Do you remember when our Moms used to cut raw chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no disinfectant, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning?

And she used to defrost hamburger on the counter and we used to eat it raw sometimes too! Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper and put in a brown paper bag (not a high-tech, insulated, thermal school lunch box with ice packs from the freezer). Funny, but I can't remember anyone ever getting ecoli.

In the summer, almost all of us went swimming in the nearby lake (or fish pond) instead of a pristine pool with lots of chlorine - but there weren't too many beach closures then.

And most Saturday afternoons were spent pushing an old fashioned lawn mower and we didn't even KNOW that they came with a motor until we were teenagers! My brother and I we were very happy to get one even if it wasn't self-propelled or have an automatic blade-stop mechanism. But after the chores were done, and if we had saved our allowances, we got to go to the local movie house where they were showing just one picture (or sometimes a "double-feature") starring Buck Rogers, Roy Rogers or maybe even the "king" himself, Elvis Presley.

Back then, the term "cell phone" would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell and a "pager" was the school PA system.

And speaking of school, remember when we all heard the Bible read over the PA every morning; we all said "The Lord's Prayer" together; sang the National Anthem; saluted the flag and stayed after school if we were bad? We must have had horribly damaged psyches from all that cruel and unusual punishment!

And believe it or not, at Christmas time, they actually let us sing "Christmas carols" about Jesus' birth without fear that the local chapter of the ACLU would sue the school board! What's even more unbelievable is that every once in a a while, the principal would invite a local preacher or a traveling evangelist to the school auditorium to tell us all how much Jesus loved us and they would even give an invitation for anyone who wanted to be saved. At other times, we were given little red copies of the New Testament courtesy of the Gideon's and nobody even complained about it. Wow! How times have changed!

We all took gym class (not "PE") and we risked "permanent injury" wearing a pair of high top sneakers instead of having expensive, cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles. I can't recall any life-threatening foot injuries back then but they MUST have happened because they tell us how much safer (and better off) we are these days with the latest, high tech footwear.

Flunking gym class was not an option... even for the dumb kids! I guess "PE" today must be much harder now than gym class was back then.

And speaking of back then, I remember one day, a student was running the hall and he hit a wet spot where the janitor had just mopped and he slipped and fell. How much better off he would be today if only his parents had known they could have sued the school board and retired in style!

And what an archaic health system we had back then! Remember the old school "sick-rooms"? Ours was a little closet space near the principal's office with a couple of army cots, some musty wool blankets from WW II and a couple of pillows from the local hospital, if that!

As far as our "self-esteem" went, we were taught that we were supposed to work hard and accomplish good grades on our own before we were allowed to be proud of ourselves. None of the "EVERYBODY is a first place winner" (regardless if they work or don't work for it) like they say we must teach our students today.

And I just can't imagine how bored we we must have been without I-Macs, PC's, Play Stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes or 270 digital cable TV channels like kids have today. I must be repressing those memories as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers which could have befallen us as we trekked off down the road to some vacant lot, built forts out of tree branches, old pieces of plywood, made trails through the woods and fought over who got to be Davy Crockett, Superman or the Lone Ranger. And by the way, what WAS that property owner thinking anyway - letting us play on that vacant lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm system.

We played "King Of The Hill" on piles of gravel left on construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 50 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like Iodine) and then we got a Band-Aid to cover up the scrape. Today, it's a trip to the ER, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 prescription for antibiotics and Dad calls an attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a dangerous pile of gravel because it is such a threat to the neighborhood.

And speaking of neighbors, we didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our rear end spanked (Oh no! Physical abuse!) and then we got it whacked again when we got home "just because" we should have known better.

I recall the little boy from next door coming over and doing tricks on our front porch. He fell off and landed on his head. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house in a lawsuit as a result of his fall. Instead, she picked him up, gave him a lecture for being such a show-off and took him home to wait until his father got home. My my! Ours was a neighborhood run amuck!

And would you believe, I remember the time Mom invited a door to door salesman inside for a cool glass of lemonade, the ladies from the church would bring over some food if somebody died and we sat down to eat supper together EVERY night of the week?

When we went anywhere in the car, we didn't have DVD's, I-pods, MP3 players or even GameBoys to entertain ourselves and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination quite a few times counting the cows, looking for all the cars with out-of-state tags and asking "Are we THERE yet?". I should have probably sued my parents for the danger they put us in not providing us with seat belts, head restraints, air bags or air conditioning. And what about when they let us put our hands out the windows to play "airplane" or when all us kids slept in sleeping bags on the floor at Grandma's house or outside in the evening air when our whole family went camping at the state park?

To top it off, not a single person I knew was ever told growing up that they were from a "dysfunctional family". How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and take anger management classes to find that out! We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

Oh, well! At least we managed to make it this far. Now, what's the newest thing we have to worry about these days? Oh, and that reminds me! I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow!

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" II CORINTHIANS 5:7

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself!

Have a good day.

America's founders did not intend for there to be a separation of God and state, as shown by the fact that all 50 states in the US acknowledge GOD in their state constitutions!!!

Somewhere along the way, the Federal Courts and the Supreme Court have misinterpreted the United States Constitution and told us that it is "unconstitutional" for our government to recognize God in our public declarations. But, could ALL 50 of our states be wrong?

After reviewing the acknowledgments of God in EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THE 50 state constitutions below (including New York AND California), maybe, just maybe, the ACLU and the out-of-control federal courts are the ones who are wrong!

"Those people who will not be governed by God will be ruled by tyrants."- William Penn

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1901 - Preamble. We the people of the State of Alabama, invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution...

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1956 - Preamble: We, the people of Alaska, grateful to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land...

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1911 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Arizona, grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution...

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1874 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Arkansas, grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government...

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1879 - Preamble: We, the People of the State of California, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom...

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1876 - Preamble: We, the people of Colorado, with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe...

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1818 - Preamble: The People of Connecticut, acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in permitting them to enjoy...

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1897 - Preamble: Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshipping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences...

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1885 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Florida, grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty, do establish this Constitution...

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1777 - Preamble: We, the people of Georgia, relying upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution...

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1959 - Preamble: We, the people of Hawaii, Grateful for Divine Guidance... establish this Constitution...

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1889 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Idaho, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings...

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1870 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Illinois, grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors...

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1851 - Preamble: We, the People of the State of Indiana, grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to chose our form of government...

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1857 - Preamble: We, the People of the State of Iowa, grateful to the Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our dependence on Him for a continuation of these blessings... establish this Constitution...

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1859 - Preamble: We, the people of Kansas, grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious privileges, do establish this Constitution...

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1891 - Preamble: We, the people of the Commonwealth of grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties...

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1921 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Louisiana, grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy...

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1820 - Preamble: We the People of Maine... acknowledging with grateful hearts the goodness of the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity... and imploring His aid and direction.

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1776 - Preamble: We, the people of the state of Maryland, grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberty...

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1780 - Preamble: We...the people of Massachusetts, acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator of the Universe... in the course of His Providence, an opportunity... and devoutly imploring His direction...

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1908 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Michigan, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom... establish this Constitution...

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1857 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Minnesota, grateful to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate its blessings...

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1890 - Preamble: We, the people of Mississippi in convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and invoking His blessing on our work...

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1845 - Preamble: We, the people of Missouri, with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness... establish this Constitution...

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1889 - Preamble: We, the people of Montana, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty, establish this Constitution...

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1875 - Preamble: We, the people, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, establish this Constitution...

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1864 - Preamble: We the people of the State of Nevada, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, establish this Constitution...

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1792 - PartI.Art. I.Sec. V. Every individual has a natural and unalienable right to worship God according to the dictates of his own conscience...

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1844 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors...

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1911 - Preamble: We, the People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty...

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1846 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of New York, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, in order to secure its blessings...

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1868 - Preamble: We the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance of those...

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1889 - Preamble: We, the people of North Dakota, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do ordain...

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1852 - Preamble: We the people of the state of Ohio, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings and to promote our common...

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1907 - Preamble: Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty...

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1857 - Bill of Rights, Article I.Section 2: All men shall be secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their consciences...

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1776 - Preamble: We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, and humbly invoking His guidance...

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1842 - Preamble: We the People of the State of Rhode Island grateful to Almighty God for the civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing...

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1778 - Preamble: We, the people of he State of South Carolina. grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution...

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1889 - Preamble: We, the people of South Dakota, grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberties... establish this Constitution...

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1796 - Art. XI. III: That all men have a natural and indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their conscience...

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1845 - Preamble: We the People of the Republic of Texas, acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God...

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1896 - Preamble: Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty, we establish this Constitution...

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1777 - Preamble: Whereas all government ought to... enable the individuals who compose it to enjoy their natural rights, and other blessings which the Author of Existence has bestowed on man...

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1776 - Bill of Rights, XVI: Religion, or the Duty which we owe our Creator... can be directed only by Reason... and that it is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian Forbearance, Love and Charity towards each other...

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1889 - Preamble: We the People of the State of Washington grateful to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution...

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1872 - Preamble: Since through Divine Providence we enjoy the blessings of civil, political and religious liberty, we, the people of West Virginia. reaffirm our faith in and constant reliance upon God...

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1848 - Preamble: We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility...

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1890 - Preamble: We, the people of the State of Wyoming, grateful to God for our civil, political, and religious liberties... establish this Constitution...

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rules.
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him so very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And should, by chance, my head I bow,
Becomes a Federal matter now.

We get contraceptives and birth control,
We can study witchcraft or a totem pole.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd!

We have a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the unwed father is the King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught such "judgments" just don't belong.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a "freedom scene".
But the law is specific, the law is precise:
A prayer that's spoken is a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses and tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns and now the Bible;
To quote God's Word will make me liable.

For public schools in the land of the free
Have become "off limits" for God and me.
I'm not allowed to share my faith
In a schoolhouse building or a government place.

But Jesus one day is coming again
And I'm not ashamed to call Him my Friend!
We Christians will shout in one accord:
"He is KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS"!

But until then, here's the NEW "Golden Rule":
They that have the GOLD have made the rules.
So we can't pray and we can't share
That God loves them and it's NOT FAIR!

It's scary at times, I must confess,
When chaos reigns our school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; my soul please take!

Before U were thought of or time had begun,
God even stuck U in the name of His Son.

And each time U pray, you'll see it's true
You can't spell out JesUs and not include U.

You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
For U, He was born. Yes, that's why He came.

And His great love for U is why He died.
It even takes U to spell "crUcified".

Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan?

The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
and the word "resUrrection" is now spelled with a U.

When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.

"Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I love them all - Just like I love U."

There's a Universe of people who need to know
That JesUs loves them, so won't U go?

It all depends now on what U will do,
Cause it all starts out with that one simple U!

7. No matter how bad the storm might be, there's always a rainbow waiting at the end!

8. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big!

9. Don't listen to what the critics are saying. Just get on with the job which God has given you to do.

10. Everybody on earth is your relative. After all, the Bible does say that everybody descended from Mr. & Mrs. Noah!

11. Always trust the Lord even if you don't understand everything He is telling you. You didn't see Noah stopping to ask directions!

12. And, last but not least, whatever you do, JUST DON'T MISS THE BOAT! Accept Jesus as your Savior TODAY!

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his
fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into
the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon
sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying
to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman
sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was
fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his
family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the
businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying
on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied,
"And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch
more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still
smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be
able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The
businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's
questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for
you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The
businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up
a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your
employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't
you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to
work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days
sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in
the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you
think I'm doing right now?"

Contentment is a difficult attitude to learn, but so important.
It's easy to get caught in the world's trap of working harder and harder
to earn more and more, when we may well already have what can provide us
with the greatest possible happiness.

"Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought
nothing into this world, and it is certain that we can carry nothing
out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content." (I
Timothy 6:6-8)

May you know true contentment today.

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the Peanuts" comic strip.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.. run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be Loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Love is when my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy - age 6

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Karl - age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy - age 6

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny - age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. Emily - age 8

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby - age 7

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. Nikka - age 6

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. Noelle - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy - age 6

During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. Cindy - age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Clare - age 6

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Chris - age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann - age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. Lauren - age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Karen - age 7

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross. Mark - age 6

You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Mr. Harold Hill, President of the Curtis Engine Company in Baltimore, Maryland, and a consultant in the NASA space program, relates the following development:

"I think one of the most amazing things that God has done for us today happened recently to our astronauts and space scientists at Greenbelt, Maryland. They were checking out where the positions of the sun, moon, and planets would be 100 years and 1,000 years from now. We have to know this so we won't send up a satellite and have it bump into something later on in its orbits.

We have to lay out the orbits in terms of the life of the satellite and where the planets will be so the whole thing will not bog down."

They called in the service department to check it out, and they said, "What's wrong?' Well, they found there is a day missing in space in elapsed time. They scratched their heads and tore their hair.

Finally a Christian man on the team said, "You know, one time I was in Sunday School, and they talked about the sun standing still".

While they didn't believe him, they didn't have an answer either, so they said, 'Show us'

He got a Bible and went to the book of Joshua where they found a pretty ridiculous statement for any one with 'common sense'. There they found the Lord saying to Joshua, "Fear them not, I have delivered them into thy hand; there shall not a man of them stand before thee." Joshua was concerned because he was surrounded by the enemy, and if darkness fell, they would overpower them. So Joshua asked the Lord to make the sun stand still! That's right...' The sun stood still and the moon stayed and lasted not to go down about a whole day!' (Joshua 10:12-13)

The astronauts and scientists said, 'There is the missing day!' They checked the computers going back into the time it was written and found it was close but not close enough. The elapsed time that was missing back in Joshua's day was 23 hours and 20 minutes... not a whole day.

"They read the Bible, and there it was 'about (approximately) a day'. These little words in the Bible are important, but they were still in trouble because if you cannot account for 40 minutes, you'll still be in trouble 1,000 years from now. Forty minutes had to be found because it can be multiplied many times over in orbits.

"As the Christian employee thought about it, he remembered somewhere in the Bible where it said the sun went BACKWARDS. The scientists told him he was out of his mind, but they got out the Book and read these words in 2 Kings that told of the following story:

Hezekiah, on his deathbed, was visited by the prophet Isaiah who told him that he was not going to die. Hezekiah asked for a sign as proof. Isaiah said 'Do you want the sun to go ahead 10 degrees?' Hezekiah said, 'It is nothing for the sun to go ahead 10 degrees, but let the shadow return backward 10 degrees' Isaiah spoke to the Lord, and the Lord brought the shadow ten degrees BACKWARD!

Twenty-three hours and 20 minutes in Joshua, plus 40 minutes in Second Kings make the missing day in the universe!"

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Mark McGuire's hands is worth $19 million.
It depends on whose hands it's in.

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Venus Williams' hands is a championship winning.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A sling shot in my hands is a kid's toy
A sling shot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in God's hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will
produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it's in.

As you see now it depends whose hands it's in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands because...
It depends whose hands it's in.

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.

We had no child-proof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing!

We shared one soft drink with four friends , from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day , as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever!

We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal And you're one of them!

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34 )

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28 )

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

Here is an interesting fish story from the Sunday edition of the Wichita (Kansas) Eagle Newspaper which happened a couple of weeks ago.

"A man and his friend were out on a camping & fishing trip last week and they were about 50 feet from the shore when they noticed just ahead of them a red, rubber ball bobbing up and down in the water as if someone was pulling it under and then releasing it so that it would pop above the surface."

"When they got closer to investigate, it turned that apparently a very large, flathead catfish had tried to swallow a child's miniature basketball and it had become completely stuck in the fish's mouth and now it was totally helpless to free itself from its predicament."

"As they laughed and continued to watch the fish bobbing up and down for a few minutes, it dawned on the men that this was an excellent opportunity to get themselves a nice fish for dinner that night!"

"As one of the men grabbed the landing net, the other one grabbed a camera since they figured that unless they got a picture, nobody would believe their remarkable fish story."

"After they pulled the fish into the boat and cut the ball out of its mouth - to their complete amazement - the fish turned to them and said, 'Thank you so much for rescuing me! I thought I would never get rid of that thing!'"

"As their jaws dropped and eyes opened as wide as saucers, the two men looked at each other. They were totally stunned by what they had just heard! And then, in a lightning flash, before they could even imagine what would happen next, the fish flipped itself out of their boat and disappeared into the water!"

"The man holding the camera said to his friend, 'Well, I guess next time, we had better plan on bringing a VIDEO camera!"

Note to our readers: If by some small chance, you don't believe this fish story, just take a look at the pictures below and you'll see proof of what they told us. (At least the part about the ball in the fish's mouth!)

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached nak! ed
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...AND
Lazarus was dead!

So no more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.

God's waiting to_use your full potential.

1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, and it's ME!
3. Growing old is inevitable . . . growing UP is optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
6. You do the math... count your blessings!
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the people.
13. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

1. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
2. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
3. Your boat has not left the middle of your backyard in 15 years.
4. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
5. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
6. You burn your yard off rather than mow it.
7. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
10. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas gift list.
11. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
12. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
13. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
14. You missed your high school graduation ceremony because you were on jury duty.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. You've used a fly swatter to scratch your back.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $10,000 worth of improvements.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is the Super Walmart in the next town.
25. The TV in your living room that works sits on top of your old TV that doesn't work.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

And last, but not least...
27. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about!

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Blackjack chewing gum
3. Coke-shaped wax bottles with colored sugar water
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers in the top
7. Telephone party lines
8. Newsreels before the moving pictures
9. P.F. Flyers tennis shoes
10. Butch wax for crewcuts
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Maple-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. The Howdy Doody Show
14. 45 RPM records
15 Hi-fi record players
16. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with levers on the top
18. Mimeograph paper with that strong alcohol smell
19 Blue flashbulbs and Kodak Brownie cameras
20. Packard automobiles
21. Roller skates with keys on a shoestring
22. Roy Rogers cap pistols and cork popguns
23. Friday nights at the drive-in movies
24. Studebaker cars
25. Wash tub wringers

0-5 = You're still young
6-10 = You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age!
16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow. "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Your Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it.

How many of these things do you remember? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the
fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.

I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, and it was slow cause I couldn't pedal too fast.

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's attic and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Hey Everybody,

Well we's a flingin' the doors open for the first time at the all new hip and happening "Eugene�s Pizza and Pedicure Palace!"

Now, some folks might think it�s a little odd to have a pizza buffet and a pedicure operation in the same store, but 'ifen they would think just for a minute, unless you�re a baboon you don�t eat with ya toes ya use your fingers.

And so what do ya do with your feet when ya eat?

Ya put em under the table and that�s where the real bueaty of our service comes inta play.

Have you ever seen those quick oil change palaces how they have a pit in in under the cars so�s they can change your oil without jackin up your car.

Well, that�s the kinda engineering I have put inta the Pizza and Pedicure Palace, under each and every table while you tandalize your tongue with any combination of our 96 toppings pizza there�s a skilled and highly trained toenail technician in the pit under your table pampering those pooped out piggy�s.

What could be more simpler? So friends, give your feet a treat all while you eat the soon ta be the popular pizza in town.

So come on in take your shoes off and stay awhile! And where's the place to do it? Why, only at "Eugene�s Pizza and Pedicure Palace", of course!

"Smells good to your nose & feels good to ya toes!"

Come see us! Ya' hear!

Hey Everybody,

This is "National Friendship Week" and first of all I�d like to say I am thankful for your friendship.

And I also would like to comment of how a lot of businesses will use any kind of holiday or celebrated time of the year to have a sale and try and trick folks into buying stuff.

So I�m writing you to say that�s not the way we do business at Eugene Maxi Mall.

So just to prove it here�s what we�re going to do,

We�re having a . . .

�I don�t know you at all,
And you�re still welcome at the mall . . .
Stranger or not,
Our deals are hot!
Come and spend all you got,

So come spend a little or a lot,
Either way is fine,
because �Your No Friend Of Mine� Sale.

So, what do you think?

I don�t believe anyone can accuse �ole Eugene of using the holiday sale trick with this sale do you?

I�ll see ya at the mall!

What's the difficulty about drafting a Constitution for Iraq? Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years. We're not using it anymore.

The reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in our country. Maybe we should issued each one of them a cow when they enter the country.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion dollars developing a pen that writes in zero gravity upside-down on almost any surface including glass and at below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Well, you've all heard the story about Rudolph
and his bright red blinking nose?
But I'll tell you a Christmas tale
That never has yet been told.

You may think you've heard it all
But you ain't heard nothing yet
About that crazy Christmas
The North Pole can't forget.

Rudolph was under the weather
and had to call in sick
so he got on the horn to his cousin Leroy
Who lived out in the sticks.

He said "Santa's really countin' on me
And I hate to pass the buck."
Leroy said "Hey, Rudolph, I'm on my way!"
And he jumped in his pickup truck.

When Leroy got to the 'Pole
All the reindeer snickered and laughed.
They'd never seen a reindeer in overalls
And a John Deere tractor hat.

Santa jumped in and said to them
"Now, just hold on there boys!
Cause we've got a big job to do tonight
to deliver all those toys!

And it was Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer
who was a 'leading Santa's sleigh
Deliverin' toys to all the good boys
And girls along the way.

And before that night was over
Leroy had changed their tune
As they flew across the starry sky
by the light of the silvery moon.

And before the night was over
and Christmas morn had come
they delivered every toy
and got the job all done.

And Leroy the Redneck Reindeer
was havin' quite a ball
shoutin' "Merry Christmas everybody!
"Merry Christmas to you all.

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is to "be prepared'".

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. "

" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."

" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of t. Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land. Tax his bed. Tax the table at which he's fed.
Tax his tractor. Tax his mule. Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow. Tax his goat. Tax his pants. Tax his coat.
Tax his ties. Tax his shirt. Tax his work. Tax his dirt.
Tax his food. Tax his drink. Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his laughter. Tax his fears. If he cries then tax his tears.
Tax his truck. Tax his car. Tax him near and tax him far.
Tax all he has and let him know you won't be done till there's no dough.
When he screams and hollers, then tax him some more. Tax him till he's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin. Tax his grave. Tax the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb. "Taxes drove me to my doom...."
When he's gone. Do not relax. Its time to apply an inheritance tax!

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (up to 50 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened?

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." - Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

If someone offered to pay you one cent the first day of the month and then double your pay each day for the rest of the month, would you work for them?

If you're smart you would say "YES" because on the last day of the month, your paycheck would be $10,737,418.24 (that's almost 11 BILLION with a "B") and your total amount of pay for the whole month would be an astounding $21,474,836.47

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's kids.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a Grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH ! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

And I'm sure there are more instances, but the point is... that we citizens of the USA are required to prove who WE are nearly every day and some days in MANY ways! So, why should illegal immigrants be any different?

And by the way, if you are caught in MEXICO without proper legal documentation, they will throw you in jail! And I'm willing to guess that the jails in MEXICO are nothing close to what they are here in the US!

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month
They used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo..
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for the Model T was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
A mechanical engineer earned about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
Regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

Today, emails can be sent to others all over the WORLD in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT REALLY STAGGERS THE MIND!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 PM!
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer!
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for: such as eye care; dental care; long term medical care; and private nursing care.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going!

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic.
I don't like waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids, and barking dogs.
Oh yeah, I don't like politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like..... hmmm... give me just a minute and I'll think of one.
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days
And WHEN did they let kids become our leaders in Washington DC?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
And just in case I'm not, please don't ruin my illusion that I am by telling me!
Now if I could only remember who sent this email to me,
I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to the rest of my friends!
Now, have I already sent this email to you???????
If so, I'll try not to do it again (at least for a while.)

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking onwater, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!

Have you ever noticed that the English language has some really interesting phrases? For example: Have you ever considered how many strange terms that the airline industry uses?

The whole thing starts when you get to the gate. The first announcement is: �We would like to begin 'The Boarding Process'.� What does that mean? 'The Boarding Process'? It almost sounds like they are going to process sausage or something!

And why do they included the extra word, �process,�? It's not really necessary! Just saying �boarding� is enough, as in: �We�d like to all passengers to begin boarding.� Very simple, right to the point and it tells the whole story!

I've noticed that people like to add EXTRA words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. �Boarding process!� Sheesh!

And as part of this �boarding process,� they say they are going to 'pre-board' certain individuals; such as those with small children or the handicapped.� Well, what exactly does that mean to �pre-board�? Are they planning to put them on the airplane BEFORE they get on the airplane? Sounds pretty important... but it isn�t. It�s just a bunch of people getting on an airplane for crying out loud!

And what about the phrase: 'get ON the plane'. What? No! I, myself am going be getting IN the plane! Getting ON the plane is just NOT SAFE! (And I think it's against the law anyway!)

Anyway, as part of this �pre-boarding process' they say, �We would like to pre-board those passengers traveling with small children.� Well, what about those passengers traveling with LARGE children? Suppose you have a two-year-old with a pituitary disorder? You know... for example: a six-foot infant with an oversized head? What do you do about them? (Come to think of it, they might be better to 'pre-board' them first!)

Or... what about this... "I'm going to take a non-stop flight to Australia". Well, I should HOPE it's non-stop!" You certainly don't want it stopping mid-way into the flight! No! I insist that ALL my flights are NON-STOP! And preferably at an airport! It�s those sudden, unscheduled stops in cornfields and high-density urban housing developments that seem to interrupt the flow of air travel.

Here�s another one the airline industry loves to use: "It was a �near miss.� When two planes almost collide, they call it a �near miss.� NO! It�s a 'near-HIT'!

And they call baggage that you take in the plane as �carry-on luggage.� The first time I heard the phrase �carry-on luggage', I thought, "Oh wait! I didn't know I had a choice! Where can I buy some of this 'self-carrying luggage' somewhere?

And what about the word: �stewardess,�? First it was �hostess,� then �stewardess,� now it�s �flight attendant.� What will be next? "Uniformed airplane personnel?" But then someone would say, "Well, what about un-uniformed airline personnel?" (No, wait! There are little children on board!)

And as soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that�s when they begin the 'Safety Lecture'. I love the 'Safety Lecture'! This is my favorite part of the airplane ride. I listen very carefully to the Safety Lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use the seatbelts.

Imagine this, here we are, a plane full of grown human beings, many of us partially educated, and they�re actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a seat belt! For example: �Place the small metal flap into the buckle.� Well, I ask for clarification at that point! �Over here, please, over here, yes, thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say, �place the small metal flap into the buckle,� or, �place the buckle over and around the small metal flap?� I�m a simple person, I do not posses an engineering degree, nor am I mechanically inclined. Sorry to have taken up so much of your time, please continue with the wonderful Safety Lecture.�

The Safety Lecture continues. �In the unlikely event�.� This is a very suspect phrase. Especially coming, as it does, from an industry that repeatedly uses phrases like "Final Boarding Call", "Final Departure" and "Terminal". �In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure... (for example, if part of the roof flies off)... an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.� Well, when I�m in a six-hundred mile an hour vertical dive, I really doubt that I am going to be breathing normally! They also tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with theirs. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I�m probably going to be too busy screaming myself to help anyone else! This will be a good time for others to learn self-reliance! If they can program a VCR or operate a video game, they can jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask! It's a fairly simple thing... just a little rubber band around the back of your head is all it is! Not nearly as complicated as, say, for instance, buckling a seatbelt!

The Safety Lecture continues. �In the unlikely event of a water landing�.� Well what exactly is a �water landing?� Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean? �Your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.� Well, imagine that! My seat cushion is now magically converted into a ocean-going floatation device! Just what I need to float around the chilly North Atlantic for several days with sharks circling around with me clinging to a vinyl covered pillow the size of a backpack full of recycled materials!

As my flight is just about over, I hear someone say over the intercom, �The Captain has turned on the �Fasten Seatbelt� sign.� Well who cares WHO it was that turned it on? What does that have to do with anything? It�s ON, isn�t it? And who made this man a �Captain,� might I ask? Did I sleep through some sort of an armed forces swearing-in ceremony or something? �Captain?� No, he�s an airline PILOT! And let him (or her) be happy with that! If those sight-seeing announcements are any mark of their intellect, pilots are lucky to be working at all!

The next sentence I hear is full of things that make me wonder... For example: �Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board.�

Well. Let�s start with �immediate seating area.� Why not just call it 'your 'SEAT'! As in, �check around your seat �for any personal belongings"

What other kinds of belongings are there besides personal? Public belongings? Do these people think I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the city park? And "...you might have brought on board.� Well, what if I didn't bring my personal items on board but they were there when I got IN the plane. For example: what if my stamp collection was already there? Should I take it with me if I find it there? (Decisions! Decisions!)

Then they tell me to return my seat and tray table to their original upright positions. Well, what if they weren't in their original upright position when I got in the plane? What should I do then? (Man! They don't make this easy!)

About this same time, the 'Captain' come on the intercom and say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is our final approach and we'll be on the ground shortly". Well, that�s a little disconcerting, isn�t it? �Final' is not a good word to be using on an airplane is it? And what about... �we�ll be on the ground in fifteen minutes.� Does that also include cornfields and/or high-density urban neighborhoods?

Now as the pilot is doing their 'Final Approach' you might hear something like... �Welcome to O�Hare International Airport where the local time is 3 PM.� Well, how can someone who is just arriving themselves possibly welcome me to a place they aren't even AT yet? Doesn�t this violate some fundamental law of physics? We�re still miles away from the 'terminal' and already they are talking in the future tense like it's some kind of time warp!

��where the local time�.� Well of course it�s the 'local time', what did you think we were expecting, the time in the Congo?

�The Captain has asked that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop.� More from this bogus �Captain.� You know, for someone who�s supposed to be flying an airplane, they taking a mighty big interest in what I�m doing back here. And I hope it a 'complete stop' because I certainly wouldn't want to try to get 'OFF' the plane during a partial stop!

Which finally brings me to my least-favorite word used by the airline industry... the word �terminal.� This is a very unfortunate term to be used in association with air travel. Combined with phrases like "Final Boarding Call", "Final Departure" and "Complete Stop", "Terminal" it's is just TOO much for this traveler!"

And they use the word 'Terminal' it all over the airport, don�t they? Somehow, I just lose my appetite when I hear there's a place to eat called the �Terminal Snack Bar.� But if you�ve ever eaten there, you probably already know it is an appropriate name!

Finally, getting back to how people like to sound important by using EXTRA words when they describe things... For example, TV weathermen (or is it "weather-persons") talk about �shower activity.� Sounds more important than just �showers', doesn't it? I even heard one 'weatherperson' on TV talk about a �rain event�, as in: "New York is expecting a big rain event,� I thought, �Wow! I hope I can get tickets to that!�

Here's another one: "An emergency SITUATION". Newspeople like to say this a lot. For example: �The Police have responded to an emergency SITUATION.� No they haven�t! They�ve just responded to an EMERGENCY!" We know it�s a situation! In fact, EVERYTHING in life is a situation!

And that brings up another thing... There's just waaay too much use of this prefix �PRE-�! It's all over the place now, as in; �pre-� this and �pre-� that. For example: �Place the turkey in a PRE-heated oven.� That�s ridiculous! There�s only two situations an oven can possibly exist in... either it IS heated or it's NOT heated! �PRE-heated� is a meaningless term! It�s like �PRE-recorded,� as in... �this program was pre-recorded.� Well of COURSE it was prerecorded! When else are you gonna record it, AFTERWARDS? That�s the whole purpose of recording, isn't it? To do it beforehand? Otherwise, it doesn�t really work, does it? (Or is another time-warp thingy that bends the laws of physics?)

And here's just one more: �Pre-existing,� �pre-planning,� and �pre-screening.� You know what I tell these people? �You had better pre-pare for my arrival because I need to straighten you guys out!"

Kulula is an airline whose head office is situated in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

----o0o--- On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o--- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

----o0o--- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... If YOU don't want them enough to leave them, then WE don't either!"

----o0o--- If you ARE going to leave anything of value, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o--- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

----o0o--- From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

----o0o--- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

----o0o--- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o--- "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

----o0o--- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

----o0o--- Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town, South Africa: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." (Whaa whaa!)

----o0o--- Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

----o0o--- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

----o0o--- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

----o0o--- After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

----o0o--- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

----o0o--- Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

----o0o--- "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned... Just couldn't concentrate!

2. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but I just couldn't hack it. They wound up giving me the axe.

3. I tried being a tailor but wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job anyway.

5. I tried being a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but just didn't have the thyme.

6. I also attempted being a deli worker but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard!

7. My best job so far was as a musician but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I went to med school to become a doctor but flunked my internship because I didn't have any patience.

10. I became a professional fisherman but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Last summer, I managed to get a job with a pool maintenance company but the work was just too draining.

12. In the fall, I got a job in a health spa but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. I tried working at a company that makes playground equipment but just couldn't swing the hours.

14. I once had a position at Starbucks but had to quit because it was the same old grind!

15. My last job was working as a historian until I realized there was... (wait for it!)... no future in it!

This is a statement that was read over the PA system at the football game at Roane County High School, Kingston, Tennessee by school Principal, Jody McLeod in September, 2000. This has been verified as TRUE on http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/j/jodymccloud.htm

"It has always been the custom at Roane County High School football games to say a prayer and play the National Anthem, to honor God and Country.

Due to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I am told that saying a prayer is a violation of federal case law. As I understand the law at this time, I can use this public facility to approve of sexual perversion and call it "an alternate life style," and if someone is offended, that's OK.

I can use it to condone sexual promiscuity, by dispensing condoms and calling it, "safe sex." If someone is offended, that's OK.

I can even use this public facility to present the merits of killing an unborn baby as a "viable means of birth control." If someone is offended, no problem...

I can designate a school day as "Earth Day" and involve students in activities to worship religiously and praise the goddess "Mother Earth" and call it "ecology.."

I can use literature, videos and presentations in the classroom that depicts people with strong, traditional Christian convictions as "simple minded" and "ignorant" and call it "enlightenment.."

However, if anyone uses this facility to honor GOD and to ask HIM to bless this event with safety and good sportsmanship, then federal case law is violated.

This appears to be inconsistent at best, and at worst, diabolical. Apparently, we are to be tolerant of everything and anyone, except God and His Commandments.

Nevertheless, as a school principal, I frequently ask staff and students to abide by rules with which they do not necessarily agree. For me to do otherwise would be inconsistent at best, and at worst, hypocritical. I suffer from that affliction enough unintentionally. I certainly do not need to add an intentional transgression.

For this reason, I shall "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's," and refrain from praying at this time.

However, if you feel inspired to honor, praise and thank GOD and ask HIM, in the name of JESUS, to bless this event, please feel free to do so. As far as I know, that's not against the law... yet."

If the Lord came to Noah on 11-11-11,
and said: "The earth has become wicked

and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build an Ark and save two of every living
thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

A month later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
in his yard but there was no Ark in sight.
"Noah!," He said, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark I asked you to build?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things are very complicated."

"First, the city government says that I needed a building permit."

"Second, the local building inspector says that I must
have a sprinkler system hooked up to the fire hydrant."

"Third, my neighbours claim that I'm violating the
neighborhood by-laws by building an ark in my
back garden and exceeding the height limitations.

I had to go to the local planning committee for a decision."

"Next, the local council and the electricity company
demanded a lot of money for the future costs of moving

powerlines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear nothing of it."

"Also, getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted barn owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed

the wood to SAVE the owls - but nooooo!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the

Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact
study on a supposed worldwide catastrophic flood."

"Also, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Human Rights Commission on how many minorities

I'm required to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration is checking the Visa status

of most of the people who want to work."

"And would you believe the trades unions say I can't

use my own sons to help me? They insist I have to hire

only union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten

years and millions of dollars to build this Ark!"

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "So, does this

mean You're not going to destroy the world after all?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government has beat me to it."

"It's raining cats and dogs!"

In the old days, houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs, etc.) lived in the roof. hen it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs!".

-------------------------------------------------

"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Weekly baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all were the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

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"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold"

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: �Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old�.

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"Chewing the fat"

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".

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"The upper crust"

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "the upper crust".

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"Holding a wake" & "a real stiff"

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of "holding a wake�. If they died and rigor mortis set in, the deceased was referred to as "a real stiff".

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"The graveyard shift", "saved by the bell" & "a dead ringer"

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (hence, "the graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be �saved by the bell� or they were considered "a dead ringer�.

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A "June bride" & the "bride's bouquet"

In the old days, a lot of people they took their spring bath in May so when a girl got married in June, she was "a June bride". However, since some of them were starting to smell, the brides at weddings would carry a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor. Hence the custom of 'carrying a bride's bouquet' when they got married.

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"Canopy beds"

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how 'canopy beds' came into existence.

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"Threshholds"

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence, a 'threshhold'.

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"Taking a dive"

Meaning: To intentionally fail in competition, to throw a game.
Example: All good salesmen learn to "take a dive" when playing golf with customers.
Origin: Boxers (e.g. prize fighters) who have been bribed to throw a bout but wishing to make it look as if the opponent won legitimately would dive to the mat after being hit. This was to create the illusion of a legitimate knock out. This is a good strategy when playing golf with the boss.

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"Take a powder!"

Meaning: To quit, leave, or stop doing something.
Example: Rain won't slow down a real golfer, but when the lightning hits the smart ones take a powder.
Origin: The powder in this case is the type woman use on their face. Women used the phrase when in public to indicate their desire to "powder their noses", or go to the ladies' room to freshen their make-up or use the facilities.
"Take a powder" was uttered in many 1920's era films to women accompanying successful men to restaurants and clubs. The most common usage was when the tough-guy didn't want any women around to hear the ensuing conversation. "Taking a powder" was a polite excuse to leave the room.

Alternative: This phrase hails from the early days of medical science, before Modern manufacturing techniques, when most medications came in the form of powders that were mixed with water and drunk. Many early medications contained Opium based drugs (such as Morphine) and tended to induce sleep. Hence the association of "taking a powder" with sleep or rest. Later it was also used to refer to taking a buffered aspirin in powder form.

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"Take another tack"

Meaning: Try a different strategy.
Origin: Sailing ships could not move directly into the wind but had to tack - zigzag back and forth with the wind first on one side, then on the other. If a skipper approaching harbor found that his vessel couldn't make the harbor mouth on the starboard tack, he was obviously on the wrong tack, and would have to take the other (port) tack.

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"Taking it by storm"

Meaning: To make a big impression; become famous or popular virtually overnight.
Origin: This expression dates back to the days when soldiers took fortified enemy positions by storming them.

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"Take someone down a peg"

Meaning: To humble someone who is self-important and conceited.
Origin: Ship's flags were raised or lowered by pegs - the higher the position of the flags, the greater the honour. So to take someone down a peg came to mean to lower the esteem in which that person is held.

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"Take the guilt off the gingerbread"

Meaning: To show something up as worth far less than first thought.
Origin: Gingerbread is a cake mixed with treacle and flavored with ginger. It was coated with a golden leaf and, as such, was often sold at country fairs up to the middle of the 19th century. Sometimes the cake was less than perfect; when the gilt was removed, all was revealed.

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"It's a cakewalk", "They the cake" & it's a piece of cake"

Meaning: Coming first in some, often trivial, activity.
Origin: In the old days, the best promenaders in a modeling contest won a prize which was almost always a cake. The extravagant walk required for this type of competition came to be called "a cakewalk" and this gave rise to the old fashioned expression "it's a cakewalk". However the meaning later came to emphasis the trivial nature of the competition and began to imply that the effort needed was minor and of little account. In consequence the modern saying "it's a piece of cake" could well be based on these old customs.
Alternative: In ancient Greek times a "cake" was a toasted cereal bound together with honey. It was given to the most vigilant man on night watch. Aristotle is quoted as having written in "The Knights": "if you surpass him in impudence, then we take the cake".

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"Send up a trial balloon"

Meaning: A way to check for impending trouble.
Origin: This phrase relates to the use of observation balloons in the first World War. The sight of such a balloon going up nearly always resulted in a barrage of shells following soon after. The expression was re-inforced during WWII when the hoisting of barrage balloons was part of the preparations for an air raid.

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"The big cheese"

Meaning: An important person.
Origin: In 1802, a cheese maker delivered a 1,235-pound wheel of cheese to President Thomas Jefferson. Citizens declared it the �big cheese� referring to both the wheel and its important recipient.

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"The bottom line"

Meaning: The end result or conclusion.
Example: I don't want to hear about how this is a great place to work. I just want the bottom line. How much does the job pay?
Origin: This might seem like a reference to the shape of ones pants, but it is not that interesting. A reference to the standard accounting reports. These include the Income Statement, Balance Sheet, and Statement of Cash Flows. In each of these multi-line reports, a variety of financial figures are provided. Some are positive and some are negative. But "the bottom line" of each report provides the net of all the figures. In that sense the bottom line of each report is generally the most important indicator of the financial position. Anyone wanting the quick story would look first to the bottom line of each report.

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"The buck stops here"

Meaning: To take responsibility for something.
Example: When it comes to the origin of phrases, the buck stops here.
Origin: Some card games use a marker called a buck. Players take turns acting as dealer with the buck marking the current dealer. When the buck is passed to the next player, the responsibility for dealing is passed. Stopping the buck is to accept responsibility for dealing. This phrase was popularized by president Harry Truman who kept a sign with the phrase inscribed on his desk and is a rebuttal to the older phrase "Pass the buck".

The media interpreted Harry's sign to mean he was accepting responsibility, but he may well have had something else in mind. Truman was a poker player. He knew exactly what the "buck" was - it was the marker that identifies the person who calls the game, or in essence, sets the rules. Truman may have been saying that he was in charge and would set the rules - a bit different than just accepting responsibility.

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"The cold shoulder"

Meaning: An unfriendly reception.
Example: I asked my friends to loan me money, but my idea was met with the cold shoulder.
Origin: In England, a welcome or important visitor would be served a delicious hot meal. A guest "who had outstayed his welcome, or an ordinary traveler" would get a cold shoulder of mutton.
Alternative: The shoulder of beef is a less desirable cut. Serving a cold piece of beef shoulder to your guests is a not so subtle message that they are not welcome in your home.

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"The pen is mightier than the sword"

Meaning: Solve problems more effectively with words than by violence.
Example: Martin Luther espoused that the pen is mightier than the sword when dealing with your enemies.
Origin: This phrase was first used in 1839 by Edward George Bulwer Lytton, an English novelist. He wrote, "Beneath the rule of men entirely great, the pen is mightier than the sword." Its use is to convey that you can solve problems or achieve your purpose better and more effectively through communication with words than by violence with weapons.

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"The proof is in the pudding"

Meaning: The end result or finished product is determines success or failure. The true value or quality of something can only be judged when it's put to use - the results are what counts.
Example: Go ahead - talk all you want about your wonderful recipe and its fine ingredients, but ultimately the proof is in the pudding.
Origin: This is an abbreviated version of the term "the proof of the pudding is in the eating". To the British, pudding means the same as dessert in the US. The point of the term is that one cannot determine how good a dessert will be during preparation or based on appearance. How good a dessert will be can only be determined by the final taste.
Alternative: According to Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, the phrase dates back to at least 1615 when Miguel de Cervantes published Don Quixote. In this comic novel, the phrase is stated as, "The proof of the pudding is the eating."

A 1682 version from Bileau's Le Lutrin reads, "The proof of th' pudding's seen i' the eating." A page of pudding definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary also cites the author Boileau (Bileau) as the first to use the phrase. It seems likely that the phrase dates back to the 1600s, though the identity of its author is disputed. Today the phrase is sometimes shortened to "proof of the pudding" or "proof in pudding." 2010 potential shortened phrase: "Proofpudding"?

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"The third degree"

Meaning: Lengthy and pointed questioning.
Example: When I come home late my wife gives me the third degree.
Origin: "The third degree" evokes images of lengthy police interrogation under bright lights, rubber hoses, and without the benefits of counsel.
This phrase origin can be found within the Masonic Lodge. Within the lodge there are 3 degrees; the Entered Apprentice, the Fellowcraft and the Master Mason. To become a Third-Degree or Master Mason, the highest rank, one must submit to questioning. The Mason's questioning for the third-degree was known to be an intense ordeal, frightening and unpleasant. Additionally, it is more physically challenging that the first two degrees. The term has come to be used for any long an arduous questioning or interrogation.

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"The whole nine yards"

Meaning: A complete job, quality, without cutting corners.
Example: My new car has air conditioning, power windows, power locks - the whole nine yards.
Origin: Interestingly, this seems to be one of the most disputed phrase origins. This phrase has also been attributed to WW2 fighter planes. Nine yards was the exact length of a belt of 50-caliber ammunition for the Corsair fighter. If a target was shot at with the entire band, it was said to have been given "the whole nine yards".

Alternative: A tailor making a high quality suit uses more fabric. The best suits are made from nine yards of fabric.

This may seem like a lot but a proper suit does indeed take nine yards of fabric. This is because a good suit has all the fabric cut in the same direction with the warp, or long strands of thread, parallel with the vertical line of the suit. This causes a great amount of waste in suit making, but if you want to go "the whole nine yards", you must pay for such waste.

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"Dressed to the nines"

The phrase certainly applies to the preparation of a full set of men's clothing. To fully understand this, you need to know what constituted a "full set of clothing" for a man in the 17th and 18th Centuries where the phrase can first be traced.

The items of clothing for a man were a Westkit (waistcoat), Breeches (pants) and a Great Coat. The material requirements to tailor these garments (even with a minimal amount of waste) is nine yards of material (45" width in the 1800s). A Westkit requires 1.5 yards, Breeches requires 2.0 yards and the Coat requires 5.5 yards for a total of 9.0 yards. These amounts can be confirmed with many museums, historians or period re-enactors.

The reason that the Coats required so much material was that they went from shoulder down to the back of the knee in length, and then the lower portion of the coat was full and pleated, almost like a dress. The pattern for the coat below the waist is almost a full circle

Alternative: "The whole nine yards" refers to the amount of fabric in a proper Scottish kilt. Nine yards of fabric seemed positively way too much for a skirt, The kilt, much like the suit, must have the fabric oriented in the proper direction. The plaid (or Tartan) has to be matched perfectly, so it doesn't look crooked. This alone takes a huge amount of cloth. The nine yards is the area of the fabric the tailor starts with, much of which ends up as scrap. Additionally, a kilt does not simply wrap around the waist. It also includes fabric that is worn up and over the shoulder. Old style kilts were used as blankets, toweling, or whatever else came to mind. There is a tale about one man using his to escape from a window of his lady-friend's bedchamber when her husband came home early.

Alternative: Old style concrete mixers, or coal bins, held nine yards.

Alternative: Many old sailing ships had three masts, the fore, main, and mizzen. Each mast held three square sails. The horizontal stays that support the square sails are called yards. Hence the ships had nine yards.

Depending on the sailing conditions, more or less sails would be raised. In the best conditions peak speed could be achieved by raising all nine main sails - the whole nine yards.

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"The world is your oyster"

Meaning: You have the ability to achieve anything you want.
Example: Finish graduate school and the world is your oyster.
Origin: Webster has a definition for oyster that is a bit obscure and certainly fits the phrase: Oyster - something that is or can be readily made to serve one's personal ends.
Oysters produce pearls, objects of great value. Once you have the oyster, it gives up the pearl without much of a fight. Getting the pearl requires the oyster to be opened. But despite the hardness of the oyster shell, they can be opened with ease. Oyster shells are held closed by a single muscle called the adductor. Oysters are shucked (opened) using a thin knife to cut the adductor muscle. Once the adductor is cut, the shell falls open.

If the world is your oyster, then it is a place where you can get something of great value with ease.

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"The writing is on the wall"

Meaning: One can see the inevitable result of circumstances.
Example: Graffiti artists know their works by the handwriting on the walls.
Origin: In the Old Testament in Daniel 5, evil King Belshazzar drank from a sacred vessel, looted from the Temple in Jerusalem. During their feast, a mysterious hand appeared after an act of sacrilege and, to the astonishment of the king, wrote 4 strange words on the banquet room wall. Only the Hebrew prophet Daniel could interpet the mysterious message. He boldly told the ruler that they spelled disaster for him and for his nation. Soon afterward, Belshazzar was defeated and slain.

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"Three sheets to the wind"

Meaning: Very drunk, highly intoxicated.
Example: The groom made it to the alter, but he was three sheets to the wind.
Origin: The phrase comes from 18th-19th century English Naval terminology, and is first recorded in Richard Henry Dana's 'Two Years Before the Mast' (1840). The original phrase was "three Sheets in the wind" and referred to the erratic behavior of a ship that has lost control of all of its sails. In nautical terminology sheets are the ropes that adjust the position of the sails relative to the wind.

The speed and direction of a sailing ship is controlled by the number of sails raised on each mast, the angle of the sails to the wind (trim of the sails), and the position of the rudder. If the sheets used to control the sails are to break or are have been released, the sheet is said to be "in the wind". One can imagine a sail thrashing wildly in a strong wind with its sheet (the control ropes) blowing about. It would be very difficult to regain control of such a sail. Prior to the 1810's it was common for ships to have three masts, (fore, main, and mizzen). If the sheets on all three masts are "in the wind", the ship loses all steering control. The ship's lack of control is likened to that of a stumbling drunk.

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"Three squares a day"

Meaning: Three nutritious meals per day.
Origin: During WWII, the troops were fed their meals on square plates and trays (hence: "three squares a day").

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"Throw a monkey wrench into the works"

Meaning: To interfere with a smoothly running operation; to upset something in progress.
Origin: In 1856 a tool was invented by a man named Monk, called a Monk�s wrench. Later the name was changed to "monkey wrench". The sliding jaw of the tool reminded people of a monkey, and the nickname stuck. This American saying presents the image of someone throwing a monkey wrench into machinery that�s working perfectly and "gumming up the works."

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"Throw someone to the wolves"

Meaning: Abandon someone; sacrifice someone to save yourself.
Example: Hitler threw his forces to the wolves by attempting to siege Leningrad in 1942.
Origin: In the Victorian days, it was popular for printmakers to depict sleighs drawn by horses at full gallop, being chased by packs of wolves. Traditionally, if the wolves got too close, one of the passengers was to be thrown out to lighten the sleigh, in hopes that the rest of the passengers could escape while the animals devoured the victim. Although no one's sure if this really happened, it resulted in a "durable" metaphor.

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"Thumbs up"

Meaning: To give approval.
Origin: The phrase comes from the thumbs up hand gesture. It is attributed to the ancient Romans and the Gladiators who fought in the Coliseum. When one Gladiator had emerged victorious in a fight, the spectators would get to decide if the loser should live or die. If they felt the loser had fought bravely enough, his life would be spared, otherwise he would be killed. The spectators signaled their vote with a "thumbs up" for life and thumbs down for death. In truth the thumbs down was not as we do it today, but instead a forward and downward thumb motion as if stabbing it into the ground. The thumb symbolized the weapon of the victor and hence the motions showed how the weapon should be used on the loser.

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"Tie one on"

Meaning: To get drunk.
Example: After another rough day at the factory, Katy & Tina decided to tie one on at the local brewery.
Origin: Eric Partridge suggests that this phrase is drived from 'hang one on', around 1935, originating in the United States and later adapted in Canada. A hangover - or 'the morning after' is related to having been 'hung' or 'tied one on'. ("The Wordsworth Book of Euphemism" by Judith S. Neaman and Carole G. Silver (Wordsworth Reference, New York, 1983, 1990)
Alternative: "Tie one on" dates back to the 1800's US wild west where a cowboy would have to tie up his horse to a hitching post before he could go into the saloon (to presumably get drunk). Afterwards, if he was too drunk to ride his horse, he would have to be tied to his horse to keep him from falling off (hence: "to tie one on").

Alternative: British slang phrase "tie a bun on," also meaning "to get drunk."

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"Tie the knot"

Meaning: To get married.
Example: I understand you want a baby, but don't you think you should tie the knot first. In fact maybe you should get a girlfriend first.
Origin: Some marriage ceremonies actually tie together the wrists of the bride and groom. Webster defines "tie" as "to unite in marriage".

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"Tied to her apron strings"

Meaning: A man who is dominated by his wife.
Example: Sir Dennis Thatcher was tied to Margaret Thatcher's apron strings throughout the years that she was the British Prime Minister.
Origin: In England during the 18th century, if a man married a woman with property, he didn't get title to it, but could use it while she was alive (Apron-String tenure). A man tied to his wife's apron strings was in no position to argue. Hence, the phrase came to stand for any abnormal submission to a wife or mother.

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"Tilting at windmills"

Meaning: To combat imaginary foes or ward off nonexistent dangers; to be full of fanciful notions or visionary schemes.
Origin: Advising his squire Sancho Panza that 30 or 40 windmills were "monstrous giants," Don Quixote spurred his steed Rosinante forward, his lance extended to "do good service" and "sweep so evil a breed off the face of the earth." Attacking a windmill, his lance got caught in one of its sails, which lifted the valiant knight into the air and smashed him to the ground, leaving him with nothing but injuries for his effort. This was arguably the most absurd of the Quixotic adventure of Don Quixote, hero of Cervante's great satirical novel Don Quixote (1605-15). The book was meant to satirize the age's romantic tales of chivalry that filled its hero's mind.
Similar phrases: tilt at windmills, to have windmills in your head, battling windmills.

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"Tit for tat"

Meaning: To reciprocate in kind.
Example: In most political campaigns, once the mud slinging starts, it becomes a game of tit for tat.
Origin: Derived from the German phrase "Dir fur Dat", or this for that.

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"To be fed up"

Meaning: To be lethargic, bored, uninterested in the world.
Origin: In the ancient sport of falconry, trained hawks are driven by appetite: one which has 'fed up' wants merely to sit still and digest its meal (i.e. totally unresponsive).

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"To badger someone"

Meaning: A person that is being harried or annoyed incessantly.
Origin: This comes from the cruel "sport" of badger baiting. The unfortunate animal was placed in an upturned barrel and dogs were then released to drag it out. When the animals emerged the badger was separated from the hounds and then put back into the barrel to start all over again until the inevitable occurred.

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"To be beside yourself"

Meaning: Under great emotional stress.
Example: After being unexpectedly laid off from his job, Robin was beside himself but was hopeful that his skills would help him get an even better position.
Origin: The ancient Greeks believed that when a person was under intense pressure, the soul literally left the body and was beside itself. The word "ecstasy" has a similar meaning - its Greek root means "to stand out of."

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"To bring home the bacon"

Meaning: To triumphantly achieve some plan or object, perhaps by winning a prize or race.
Origin: There are two possible origins to this saying. The first goes back several hundred years to the village of Dunmow in Essex where, it is said, in 1104 AD, at the Dunmow Flitch Trials, a noble woman offered a prize of a side of bacon, known locally as a flitch, to any man from anywhere in England who could honestly say that he had had complete marital harmony for the preceding year and a day. In over 500 years there were only eight winners. The prize was re-established in the mid 19th century (1858) but ceased to be offered with the closure of the local bacon factory in the 1980s.
An alternative explanation comes from the ancient sport of catching a greased pig at country fairs - the winner kept the pig.

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"To close ranks"

Meaning: To present a united front.
Origin: In old-time European armies, soldiers were aligned side by side, in neat rows, or ranks, on the battlefield. When the enemy attacked, officers would order the troops to close ranks - to move the rows close together - so that the enemy faced a seemingly impregnable mass of men.

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"To egg on"

Meaning: To urge someone to continue doing something that is, perhaps, a little dubious.
Example: Little Johnny egged on his classmates to make faces at the teacher behind her back.
Origin: "Egg" derives from the old English eggian which means "to spur" or "to incite".

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"To fall foul"

Meaning: To be on bad terms with them.
Origin: When one ship impedes the progress of another; it falls foul of it. A foul anchor is when its own rope becomes entangled with itself.

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"To feather one's nest"

Meaning: To provide for one's comfort; especially, for comfort in later life by amassing wealth.
Origin: It is the practice of many birds, after building their nests, to pluck down from their breasts to provide a soft lining that will be comfortable during the long hours of setting upon the eggs.

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"To fork out"

Meaning: To pay over money due for goods or services.
Origin: This phrase comes from the old thieves' use of the word fork to describe the fingers. A similar analogy is used in the phrase "fingers were made before forks".

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"To get fired"

Meaning: To get rid of unwanted people.
Example: Simon got fired yesterday - seems his boss didn't want to hear anything negative about the company.
Origin: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the phrase "to get fired".
Alternative: Item 6 of the Laws of Mendip Miners states, "If any man do pick or steale any lead or ore to the value of xiiid, the Lord or his Officer may arrest all his lead and Oare House or hearthes with his Grooves and Workes and keep them in forfeit... and shall take the person that hath soe affeended and bring him where his house or worke and all his tooles and instruments are... and put him into his house orworke and set fire in all together about him and banish him..." Fired indeed!

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"To go haywire"

Meaning: To behave wildly; go out of control.
Origin: Wire, properly only intended to bale up hay, (i.e. haywire) was used, instead, by many farmers to make their boundary fences. The wire rusted quickly with the result that the properties were unkempt and had an appearance of being out of control.
Alternative: Wire, when correctly used to bundle up hay, would writhe and wriggle when cut to eventually release the hay. The disorder and chaos present in a farm yard when the used lengths of wire were left dumped on the ground.

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"To go whole hog"

Meaning: To do something thoroughly, completely.
Origin: A 1779 poem by William Cowper concerns debate by Muslim divines about which parts of the pig were forbidden as food by the Prophet. Unable to reach a decision, each wished to declare that their own favourite portion was acceptable. As individual tastes differed it meant that the whole hog was acceptable. "Thus conscience freed from every clog, Mohametans eat up the hog." Alternative: In Ireland a shilling and in America a 10c piece were both known as a hog and if one spent the money all at once the whole hog was gone. Alternative: In Virginia, butchers asked their customers if they wished to purchase the whole hog or only part of the animal.

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"To harp on"

Meaning: To continuously carry on a discussion with a theme that has lost its relevance and interest to others involved in that discussion.
Origin: Its origin is self-evident when it's realized that the original saying was: "To harp forever on the same string."

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"To have a field day"

Meaning: Easy achievement of a task.
Origin: This phrase is a military term for a day of maneuvers in open fields or country, often in front of the commanding officer or even higher rank; a day of great effort and inspection. When these days are successful the units can be seen to be well prepared and turned out. In the U.S. Navy it is also applied to a day devoted to cleaning ship prior to inspection.

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"To have a gammy leg"

Meaning: A deformed or lame leg.
Origin: This phrase comes from the Celtic cam or kam meaning "crooked". Its use is said to be relatively modern in spite of the age of its origin.

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"To have cold feet"

Meaning: To have doubts; to be afraid of a course of action.
Origin: An old Italian (Lombard) proverb - the expression signifies "to be without means or resources"; if someone is very poor then the chances of affording shoes are remote and the person therefore has cold feet.
Alternative: In an 1862 novel by Fritz Reuter, a card player backs out of a game on the grounds that his feet are cold. One can imagine that he was fearful of losing all and his cold feet were as good an excuse as he could think of to help him get out of the game.

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"To have one�s cake and eat it too"

Meaning: You can�t have it both ways - you must make a difficult choice between two options.
Example: He works so hard at work to pay for his new house that he never has any time to stay home and enjoy it.
Origin: This phrase is easier to understand if it is read as, �You can�t eat your cake, and have it too�. From the fact that you can enjoy a cake by possessing it and not eating it, or by eating it and therefore no longer possessing it. Once you�ve eaten your cake, you won�t have it any more - one excludes the other.

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"To hedge one's bets"

Meaning: To support more than one outcome or person; to put in cross bets.
Origin: Hedge was used to imply inferiority, perhaps because hedges are low in height (i.e. 'hedge-priest' for a poor, impecunious priest). An 1811 dictionary states: "Hedge. To make a hedge; to secure a bet or wager, laid on one side, by taking odds on the other, so that, let what will happen, a certain gain is secured, or hedged in, by the persons who takes this precaution".

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"To knock (or beat) the tar out of"

Meaning: To beat, whip, or belabor without mercy.
Origin: The expression may have been brought to this country by some Scottish or north-of-England sheepherder who may have used it in a literal sense. Many centuries ago it was learned that a sore on a sheep, as from an accidental cut in shearing, could be protected against the festering bites of flies if smeared with tar. However, when tar once gets embedded into a sheep's wool, its removal is difficult. Thus, used in a literal sense, to beat a sheep's side for the removal of tar.

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"You don't know beans"

Meaning: Usually used in the negative: one who doesn't know beans is appallingly ignorant or is wholly unacquainted with the subject under discussion.
Origin: Perhaps arose from some dispute over the cowpea, which, despite the name, is more nearly related to the bean than to the pea and which is often called either the black-eyed bean or the black-eyed pea. Perhaps came from Boston, where it would be a mark of the sheerest ignorance not to know that Boston baked beans, to be fit to eat, must be made of that variety of small white bean known as "pea bean." Perhaps arose from the British phrase, "to know how many beans make five" - a silly saying that probably got started several centuries ago by having children learn to count using beans. When a child got far enough advanced to know how many beans made five, he was very intelligent and well informed.

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"It's not worth a hill of beans"

Meaning: Not worth much (or next to nothing).
Origin: When beans are planted, several seeds are placed together in small hills of dirt to ensure at least one or two would germinate.

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"To lark about"

Meaning: To play around, frolic; to go on a spree.
Origin: This expression comes from the Middle English 'laik' (to play) and the Old English 'lac' (a contest). To Skylark is a modern extension.

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"To play hookey"

Meaning: To take absence from school; to play truant.
Origin: This saying is recorded as 'Hooky' (i.e. no 'e') in mid-19th century U.S., to play truant. In Brewer, it's spelt 'hookey' and a suggested origin is 'from the idea "to hook" something is to make off with it'.
Alternative: The "Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins" by Robert Hendrickson (Facts on File, New York, 1997), notes the following. �There is no widely accepted explanation for the word �hookey� or �hooky.� An Americanism that arose in the late 19th century, when compulsory attendance laws became the rule in public schools, �hooky� may be a compression of the older expression �hook it,� �to escape or make off,� formed by dropping the �t� in the phrase. Or it could be related to the old slang word �hook,� meaning �to steal,�: kids stealing a day off from school. �Hooky� has so often been associated with going fishing that it may even owe its life to �getting off the hook� the way a fish can. School is often insufferable as a hook to school children, and many kids squirming in their seats all day look like they are on a hook.�

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"To rule out"

Meaning: 1. To make impossible (especially beforehand); 2. To include or exclude by determining judicially or in agreement with set rules; 3. To dismiss from consideration or a contest; 4. To eliminate as a serious diagnostic consideration.
Example: 1. During the Dyslexia assessment process, examiners look for evidence of the disorder and rule out other factors that could be causing the student�s reading and language problems. 2. The Joe-kster refuses to rule out a third Guinness World Record.
Origin: The Oxford dictionary defines 'rule' as "one of a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere." From a medical perspective, a broken leg requires a known (and fixed) set of theoretical 'rules' to follow for treatment. For undetermined ailments, a Doctor makes a list of probable and improbable causes to determine the most effective methods of treatment. Subsequent tests attempt to further rule out, or eliminate misleading symptoms, trying to pinpoint a unique cause for the patient's ailment (i.e. ruling out the major causes of chest pain, such as myocardial infarction & pulmonary embolism) in a one-stop diagnosis.
Alternative: To 'refuse' to rule out simply refers to going against normal perceived expectations.

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"To run amok"

Meaning: To behave in a wild, uncontrolled manner.
Origin: The Malay word for "a person who has gone crazy" is moq. The first English sailors to visit Malaysia associated the word with the occasional insane people they saw there.

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"To save one's bacon"

Meaning: A situation that has been rescued.
Origin: This has little to do with the bacon that was brought home above: rather the word here could derive from Baec which is Old Dutch and Anglo-Saxon for "back". However, like many sayings, there are other suggestions as to the origin. The most likely of these is that, in the early 17th century "bacon" was thieves' slang for "escape".

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"To shoot the crow"

Meaning: I am going to leave.
Example: They're looking for us - looks like it's time to shoot the crow.
Origin: In Tobias Dantzig's "Number and the Language of Science", Dantzig tells the story of a crow who had built its nest in the watch-tower on a squire's estate. The squire was determined to shoot the crow, but the crow was too canny - whenever the squire or his men would enter the tower, the crow would fly away until the coast was clear. The squire tried sending two men went into the barn. One stayed hidden in the tower and one came out again. However, the crow was too smart and wouldn't return until the second man also came out. The experiment was tried on successive days - unsuccessfully - until finally five men went in and only four came out. The crow seemed to think that all the men had come out, and returned to the watch-tower. The squire was finally rid of the crow. The story seems to demonstrate that crows (or at least the crow in the story) have a sense of "one", "two", "three", and "many". When five men went in and four came out, the crows saw "many" go in and "many" go out and thought they were safe. Early twentieth century anthropologists found that the numeric systems of some African, South American, Oceanic and Australian cultures were also limited like the crows. In the case of the Australian Aborigines, they had numbers for "one" through "six", and "many".
Related phrase: "To shoot the craw".

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"To skin a cat"

Meaning: A technique for doing something.
to skin a cat he finally got the message.
Origin: The full phrase is "to skin a catfish".
This refers to removing the very tough skin from the delicate flesh of a catfish. There are many ways to skin a catfish and all were initially developed through trial and error in attempt to find the best way to remove the skin without tearing the edible flesh into smaller bits and chunks. Like most fish, an intact one-piece half-fish fillet of catfish is most desirable for cooking (battered, breaded, and pan fried). To obtain such catfish fillets, takes knack and technique.

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"To skylark"

Meaning: To play around, frolic; to go on a spree.
Example: Young sailors like to skylark in the ship�s tall rigging.
Origin: In the 18th and 19th centuries young boys were employed by the Royal Navy, like all boys they loved �larking about� often in the uppermost parts of the rigging of a sailing ship. The very highest sails were called �sky-sails� so by extension (and because of the coincidence of the bird's name) they were said to �sky-lark�.

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"To take aback"

Meaning: To be suddenly taken unawares or to have "the wind taken out of one's sails."
Origin: This phrase is one from a nautical background. A sudden change of wind could catch a ship's sails on the wrong side, flattening them back against the mast and bringing the ship to a standstill, or even driving her backwards.

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"To talk gibberish"

Meaning: To speak unintelligibly or in a meaningless way.
Origin: "Gibberish" comes Geber, the name of an Arabian alchemist in the 11th century. He invented a strange terminology so that his works could not be understood by others; more importantly, he could not be accused of heresy, which was punishable by death. Gibberish in its modern sense was known in 1811.

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"To the bitter end"

Meaning: To the very end - often an unpleasant one.
Origin: On a sailing ship the last piece of a hauling or anchor rope was made fast to the bits (or cleats) near deck level. When the rope was nearing its end it had a coloured rag on it to indicate that it was coming to a finish and could be let out no further. When the final part was reached it had come to the "bitter end".

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"To undermine"

Meaning: To weaken, usually secretly and gradually.
Origin: In the 14th century, it was common practice for besiegers to tunnel under the foundations of a castle, either to enter it or to weaken the walls. The tunnels were called "mines," and the damaged walls were considered "undermined." By the 15th century, any underhanded method used to defeat an enemy had become known as "undermining."

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"To wreak havock"

Meaning: To cause confusion and possibly death to one's enemies.
Origin: This expression started out as "Cry Havock", an old military cry derived from the old French havot meaning "plunder". The cry was very common in the 14th and 15th centuries but was banned, on pain of death, in the ninth year of Richard II's reign. The expression is used in a number of Shakespearean plays.

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"Toe the line"

Meaning: Follow the group, don't disagree, do what others are doing.
Origin: Many mistakenly think the phrase is "tow the line", thus obscuring the meaning.
This term comes from military line-ups for inspection. Soldiers are expected to line up, that is put their toes on a line, and submit to the inspection.

Alternative: The space between each pair of deck planks in a wooden ship was filled with a packing material called "oakum" and then sealed with a mixture of pitch and tar. The result, from afar, is a series of parallel lines a half foot or so apart, running the length of the deck. Once a week, as a rule, usually on Sunday, a warship's crew was ordered to fall in at quarters - that is, each group of men into which the crew was divided would line up in formation in a given area of the deck. To insure a neat alignment of each row, the sailors were directed to stand with their toes just touching a particular seam. Another use for these seams was punitive. The youngsters in a ship, be they ship's boys or student officers, might be required to stand with their toes just touching a designated seam for a length of time as punishment for some minor infraction of discipline, such as talking or fidgeting at the wrong time. A tough captain might require the miscreant to stand there, not talking to anyone, in fair weather or foul, for hours at a time. Hopefully, he would learn it was easier and more pleasant to conduct himself in the required manner rather than suffer the punishment. From these two uses of deck seams comes our cautionary word to obstreperous youngsters to "toe the line."

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"Tongue in cheek"

Meaning: To pretend to be serious while joking
Origin: Comes from the practice of holding your mouth while talking to indicate that you are making a sarcastic remark about something.

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"Top dog"

Meaning: Coming out on top of things.
Origin: In dog fights, the winner comes out on top.
Alternative: Sawing logs was often done in a pit with one man in the pit and the other above, both working the saw. The one above was known as the top dog and the other as the bottom dog.

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"Top drawer"

Meaning: The best quality.
Origin: Traditionally, the top drawer of a dresser is the place where jewelry and other valuables are kept. It also represents the floor(s) which companies occupy to indicate how high they have climbed on the corporate ladder.

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"Topsy turvy"

Meaning: To flip over or be upside down.
Origin: Turvy is an old word that has fallen out of common usage meaning "to invert".

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"Touch and go"

Meaning: A risky, precarious situation.
Origin: In the days of stagecoaches, drivers were often intensely competitive, seeking to charge past one another, on narrow roads, at grave danger to life and limb. If the vehicle's wheels became entangled, both would be wrecked. If they were lucky, the wheels would only touch and the coaches could still go on.

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"Trench mouth"

Meaning: A disease created from eating from/in unsanitary conditions.
Origin: In the 1500s, most people did not have pewter plates, but had 'trenchers' - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed, and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

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"Turkey shoot"

Meaning: Very easy to accomplish.
Origin: Originally a turkey shoot was a contest in which muzzle loaded guns were used to shoot turkeys. Turkeys are very easy to shoot. They are large and move slowly. Despite the fact the are birds, turkeys don't fly very well.
Turkeys are not very intelligent animals. In modern turkey farms, the birds sometimes forget to drink and die of dehydration, despite the fact that a water supply is tied to their bodies. They sometimes die of heart attacks when scared by load noises. Today the term turkey shoot continues to be used for shooting contests, usually held around Thanksgiving. In the modern turkey shoots, targets are substituted for turkeys. Often a turkey is awarded as a prize to the winner.

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"Turncoat"

Meaning: A person who shifts allegiance from one loyalty or ideal to another, betraying or deserting an original cause by switching to the opposing side or party.
Origin: Someone who changes sides during a war is called a �turncoat� because of the actions of a former Duke of Saxony who found himself and his land uncomfortably situated directly in the middle of a war between the French and the Saxons. He quickly had a reversible coat made for himself, one side blue for the Saxons and the other side white for the French. Then, depending on who was occupying his land, he could wear the appropriate colour of allegiance.
Alternate: According to the Online Etymology Dictionary website, the English word �turncoat� traces it origins back to 1557, and referred to persons who turned their coats inside out to hide the badge of their party or leader.

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"Two shakes of a lamb's (or a donkey's) tail"

Meaning: To do something quickly.
Example: After much procrastination, Rita told her son to clean his room in two shakes of a lamb's (or a donkey's) tail.
Origin: Farmers know that lamb's tails shake very rapidly while the lamb is sucking on its mother's teat or a bottle, whereas foals, calves and piglets don't. A British vet calculated the speed of shaking to be about 300 wags per minute, so only 'two shakes' of a lamb's tail is quite fast, as far as speed goes. But if speed is of importance, wouldn't one shake be quicker than two? The earliest general use of this phrase is from around 1840, most likely originating in the UK and spreading around the world quickly - especially to Australia and America.
Nuclear engineers and astrophysicists use "shake" to mean 10 nanoseconds (10 nanoseconds is ten to the power of negative eight), but it's doubtful that anyone's seen a lamb moving their tail in 20 nanoseconds! Later, the expression was changed in the old west to "two shakes of a donkey's tail" since there were many sheep.

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"The smoking lamp is out"

Meaning: No smoking.
Example: Toronto is a strange place. In restaurants and bars the smoking lamp is out, but in the cannabis buyers club you can smoke all you like.
Origin: The smoking lamp probably came into use during the 16th Century when seamen began smoking on board vessels. The lamp was used to light the smoke before matches were invented. The smoking lamp was also a safety measure. It was devised mainly to keep the fire hazard away from highly combustible woodwork and gunpowder. Most navies established regulations restricting smoking to certain areas on board. Usually, the lamp was located in the forecastle or the area directly surrounding the galley indicting that smoking was permitted in this area. Even after the invention of matches in the 1830s, the lamp was an item of convenience to the smoker. When particularly hazardous operations or work required that smoking be curtailed, the unlighted lamp relayed the message. "The smoking lamp is lighted" or "the smoking lamp is out" were expressions indicating that smoking was permitted or forbidden. The smoking lamp has survived only as a figure of speech. When the officer of the deck says "the smoking lamp is out" before drills, refueling or taking ammunition, that is the Navy's way of saying "cease smoking."

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"To chance your arm"

Meaning: To chance your arm is to risk something.
Origin: This was firstly of military origin. Badges of rank, such as stripes, were worn on the arm. If the wearer offended against Military regulations then there was a risk of being demoted with consequent loss of some or all badges - hence such offences "chanced the wearer's arm". An alternative explanation comes from Ireland. A couple of centuries ago two families had a feud. One eventually took refuge in St Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin. They then wished to make peace, but were afraid for their lives if they ventured out; in consequence they cut a hole in one of the Cathedral's doors and put out an arm - the worst that could have happened was that an arm was lost. The hole is present to this day. Sadly, the feud took place in 1492 and the saying is first recorded only in the 1880s!

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"piss poor"

Origin: In olden times, human urine was used to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in one common pot. When it was full it was sold to the local leather tanner. If your family had to do this to survive you were considered as being "piss poor".

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"didn't have a pot to piss in"

Origin: Really poor families who couldn't even afford to buy a pot to collect the urine meant they were the lowest of the low (hence: they "didn't have a pot to piss in") .

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"The Fifth Beatle"

Meaning: Reference to the four Beatles + an unknown fifth person.
Origin: The Fifth Beatle moniker was not given to Brian Epstein by Murray the K, though Epstein is always in the list of deserving honorees (along with Pete Best, George Martin, and even Billy Preston, the only musician ever given individual credit on a Beatles disk). It was Murray who was dubbed the Fifth Beatle by George Harrison on the train ride from New York to the band's first concert in Washington D.C. Murray was the last in line as the group made its way through the train cars, and a cop tried to stop him from following. Harrison turned as said, "It's alright. He's "the fifth Beatle".

Day	=	Pay
1	=	$0.01
2	=	$0.02
3	=	$0.04
4	=	$0.08
5	=	$0.16
6	=	$0.32
7	=	$0.64
8	=	$1.28
9	=	$2.56
10	=	$5.12
11	=	$10.24
12	=	$20.48
13	=	$40.96
14	=	$81.92
15	=	$163.84
16	=	$327.68
17	=	$655.36
18	=	$1,310.72
19	=	$2,621.44
20	=	$5,242.88
21	=	$10,485.76
22	=	$20,971.52
23	=	$41,943.04
24	=	$83,886.08
25	=	$167,772.16
26	=	$335,544.32
27	=	$671,088.64
28	=	$1,342,177.28
29	=	$2,684,354.56
30	=	$5,368,709.12
31	=	$10,737,418.24
Total	=	$21,474,836.47